Comments on Is There Any Mommy Out There?: The Adoption Option Response Letter

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2010-01-11T06:47:55.961-08:00

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I realize I am, like what 6 months, behind on all ...

2009-01-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

I realize I am, like what 6 months, behind on all of this, but as a new reader and new fan and an adoptive mom to ten. I feel I AM qualify to pipe up!

Stacey has hit the nail on the head with this letter and though I have never experienced a failed placement, I have experienced a failed bond and a failed attachment on my part.

I had adopted before this child and I have adopted since this child. I don't care how much love in the world I possess, I did not bond to this child. I have given him everything I have given to my others, bio kids included. He is hard, he is difficult, and I have been on an emotional ride with him since the very beginning.

We were not educated on attachment disorders. We didn't know this was a normal feeling or a normal issue. When you adopt a baby, you love that baby. PERIOD! I will stand here today and tell you that it IS NOT EASY and LOVE doesn't conquer all!

Adoption is fantastic and I am so happy and proud to be an adoptive mom. I love my kids, I want my kids, but it is not easy when things don't work the way they are supposed to. Do not go into adoption with your eyes closed or with visions of love conquering all. It doesn't work that way.

Thanks for letting me vent here Stacey

I will leave just a brief comment. You are blinde...

2008-09-21T17:30:00.001-07:00

I will leave just a brief comment. You are blinded to the truth and I pray your eyes will be open. This world is full of so many words. I think it would behoove us all to listen with the two ears God gave us. We need to close our mouths unless we have something encouraging to speak. I have seen with my own eyes a little three year old boy placed in a Christian family. He was going to be placed in a group home because all of the (EXPERTS) felt he needed to be placed in a group home. A three year old child placed in a group home. This family prayed and brought him into their home. He is a blessing to everyone. He has learned the real meaning of love. It is to lay down your life and die for another. 1 John 3:16. My husband is a Pediatrician and I am a Registered nurse, we have witnessed what true love can do for anyone. We were born to need love. We thrive off of love. We go to Haiti each year and have a medical mission clinic. We see what love can do. It is just reaching out and loving on others. I also work on the Psychiatric floor of a hospital. I see love make a difference in the lives of all of these individuals. As long as there is a heart beat left, there is hope. It is all about LOVE. Love is a decision it is not a feeling. It is making a decision to lay down your life for another. I just want to say I love all of you all here. You are precious to God.

I will leave just a brief comment. You are blinde...

2008-09-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

Did you ever get a response from Parents? I have ...

2008-08-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Did you ever get a response from Parents? I have not adopted, but we are getting licensed to be foster parents after secondary infertility, and I currently have a stack of books on attachment and trauma on my desk. I'm going in with eyes open, but how sad for all the parents who are deluded by the media into thinking adoption is all roses and sunshine. We desperately wish to adopt, but there are and will be life-long scars for everyone involved, the child, the birth parents, adoptive parents, and siblings. I have not read about your experience, but I have read about a five-year-old throwing his baby sister down the stairs and a seven year old attacking his adoptive mother with a knife. I wish love will be enough. But I don't think it will be. -Kyla
kyla_writer@yahoo.com

I'm new to your blog and just wanted to thank you ...

2008-07-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

I'm new to your blog and just wanted to thank you for writing this letter and sharing it here. As someone just beginning down the road to (domestic open) adoption after years of infertility and loss, it frustrates me to no end when adoption is presented as a cure-all without a thought to the complexities of adoption for all parties involved. Thanks again for sharing this.

Coco brought me over and I am glad I did. As a fi...

2008-07-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

Coco brought me over and I am glad I did. As a firstmom I thought it was a well thought out response to something I don't want to read because this person only has one view, hers.
Anon, there is no guilt trip. Just a letter saying that there is so much more to think about in the broad sense of adoption.

Again, I have really enjoyed and benefited from th...

2008-07-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

Again, I have really enjoyed and benefited from this discussion. Thank you for your viewpoints.

Anon - I feel that you kind of missed the point, but I appreciate your thoughts. I do think adoption is wonderful, but I think presenting it as an easy, problem free road to parenthood (as the editor did) is irresponsible. I also think that encouraging people to adopt as a cure for social ills fall short of the mark, for the reasons I've mentioned.

As far as ordering me to write or think about issues that matter to me in a certain way (ie lighten up), not a chance. My blog, my way.

You are welcome to disagree respectfully and I hope you will - there is no other way to have a discussion.

TG Mom - I'm so glad you visited and added your thoughts. There are so many people affected by adoption in so many ways.

Mama K - Welcome. Adoption truly is a wonderful way to grow a family - it's just not a perfect way.

I think it was well put... I also think that you'r...

2008-07-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

I think it was well put...

I also think that you're getting added to the list of blogs that I read regularly.

I have always (as long as I can remember anyway) wanted to adopt, and my husband having a mom who was wants to as well... but is a long ways away if we do and we know it may not happen. In the mean time I'm trying to see both sides of it so we can make a good decision for our family... is nice to see someone making sure good info is out there :-)

Stacy, I too came over from Coco's blog and think ...

2008-07-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Stacy, I too came over from Coco's blog and think this is a wonderfully written letter. A sa firsmom myself I so appreciate what you have written.

I don't think at all that the letter comes across as a guilt trip on adoption, but rather as a request for a more complete perspective rather than just looking at that which is pretty in adoption - a happy family - "The End." There is absolutely room for celebration in adoption - I want my daughter's Mom and family to be able to celebrate her as a part of their lives, but I know that they do so with the knowledge that her story is much more than that moment of celebration.

Thank you again for your words. And after perusing some other posts I'm a committed reader of yours for sure!

I don’t understand the bashing of the author? She ...

2008-07-23T00:52:00.000-07:00

I don’t understand the bashing of the author? She was giving her opinion of adoption-why guilt trip her? Adopt is a wonderful choice, and not every person who gives birth, will be a great parent. There are many, many people in this world who shouldn’t be parents. Why are you bashing someone who is willing, able and committed to being a parent? Yes, adoption isn’t a win-win situation for some, but for many it is. Look at children raised in orphanages, do you think it’s best for them to grow-up and age out in an orphanage? What about a child born to a mom married to her husband but carrying another man’s child or a child, who is one of several children, born to a mom who is irresponsible-do you think it’s best for children to grow-up in this kind of dysfunction?

Lighten-up and stop guilt tripping!

I think you definitely stepped over to the side of...

2008-07-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

I think you definitely stepped over to the side of a reasoned, well thought out, and well-written response. I really hope that the editor will take the opportunity to address the issue again, with a broader sense of responsibility and a deeper level of thought.

Well done. It must have been hard to get it right, but you did. You nailed it.

My dear friend Coco pointed me your way from her b...

2008-07-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Coco pointed me your way from her blog.

I'm also a parent through adoption, as well as being an adoptee myself. (Just to disclaim my status, you know...)

I haven't yet read the issue you are referencing, but I get the gist very clearly from your response. I think you wrote very eloquently and clearly, and I really hope that the magazine at the least publishes your letter, if not contacting you to make it into an actual article.

Well done, and thanks for taking the time to write it and put it up here, at the very least.

i certainly don't know anything about adoption, bu...

2008-07-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

i certainly don't know anything about adoption, but i thought your letter was very well written. i think you did an excellent job of explaining your reasons for taking issue with the letter without sounding like you were attacking the writer herself. would love to know if you hear back from her.

Minivan Mom - I know you wouldn't and I was waitin...

2008-07-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Minivan Mom - I know you wouldn't and I was waiting for and fearing (a little) your thoughts.

Melissa - thank you.

Kate - I already spend way too much time blogging - lol! It's a great idea. It inspired me to put the adoption posts in the sidebar together. That will have to do for now.

Lula - I know. It's okay. It was more for me to get it off of my chest.

Maura - I hope so. I'd love it if she would even just email me back. I'm sure she's a crazy busy woman. Thank you for the compiments, they mean the world.

I feel completely unqualified to say anything of s...

2008-07-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

I feel completely unqualified to say anything of substance here about the topic. BUT, I think your letter is amazing and is exactly the kind of feedback and constructive criticism the editor of a major magazine should want to get.

I would never have seen her letter if not for your bringing it to our attention and, except for the bizarre comparison to the price of a car, would probably not thought much about it otherwise. Having read through the heartbreak of your experience, however, I feel like I have such a new perspective on it and so much more appreciation for the impact of adoption.

Thank you for your amazing talents as a writer and a mom. :)

Bravo! Well thought out and very well spoken. Th...

2008-07-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

Bravo! Well thought out and very well spoken. Thanks for sharing it with us, and I'm glad you're sending it. Way to follow your heart. I'll watch for a future response in Parents.

I enjoyed reading your take on this, and glad you ...

2008-07-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed reading your take on this, and glad you sent off the letter...however, know that most newspapers and mags won't publish a letter that is more than 50-75 words :-0 So...if you want to see it published, you may want to send a condensed version ;-)

1. You go girl. 2. This kind of crap is why I q...

2008-07-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

1. You go girl.

2. This kind of crap is why I quit reading Parents. Ugh.

3. YOU GO GIRL!!

I have learned so much about adoption in the few w...

2008-07-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have learned so much about adoption in the few weeks that I've been reading this blog.

Stacey - have you ever considered starting a separate blog for just this kind of discussion and research? Not only do you have your own perspective, but you are also passionate about the need for adoptive parents to have resources for research and education...

You could take all of the information provided in your own adoption-related posts and comments and already have a significant amount of material for people to read.

And I'm sure that many of your commenters (particularly the ones with their own adoption perspectives) would be happy to contribute.

At any rate - I will direct anyone I know considering adoption to your blog. This alone is a wonderful resource.

Nicely done. Even if it doesn't get published, it...

2008-07-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

Nicely done. Even if it doesn't get published, it is a fantastic piece of writing.

Huge sigh of relief. Thanks every one, truly. I'...

2008-07-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

Huge sigh of relief. Thanks every one, truly. I've been all tense and tied up and I feel 100% better because I just sent the letter to Parents. Hooray. Moving on.

Michelle- Yes, good reminder. I don't actually have much hope that she'll respond to me directly, but I am hoping they'll be some kind of follow up in a later issue. I can't believe that I'm the only one who wrote.

I think the letter is excellent.

2008-07-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

I think the letter is excellent.

I think it was very well written. I will be eager ...

2008-07-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

I think it was very well written. I will be eager to see if there is any sort of statement from her in an upcoming issue.

Very well said. You can't go wrong when you write...

2008-07-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

Very well said. You can't go wrong when you write from your heart. I'm curious to see if she responds to you.

You are all kinds of awesome.