Comments on Is There Any Mommy Out There?: Then You Really Might Know What It's Like

I just stumbled across your blog, and have to say ...

2009-11-30T07:15:08.562-08:00

I just stumbled across your blog, and have to say I was extremely moved by the story about your disruption. I adopted my daughter at 18 months, and can only imagine how difficult this must have been for your entire family. I wish there were more people brave enough to post things like this.People need to see all sides of the story.

Life is not black and white. When we are dealing ...

2009-10-12T00:55:24.537-07:00

Life is not black and white. When we are dealing with hearts, souls, personalities--HUMANS--there are so many variables that contribute to what ultimately is the best choice for ALL of the family members involved. How people can make snap judgments on the agonizing choices that others make without anymore that a sound byte of information is beyond me.

Stacey, your story touched me beyond words when I ...

2009-10-11T13:01:32.566-07:00

Stacey, your story touched me beyond words when I read it for the first time and to read this post touches me in the same way. Your honesty is so raw and I really appreciate that you've shared how you address disruption with your children.

Bonding is a process. I go through it every singl...

2009-10-11T10:08:23.711-07:00

Bonding is a process. I go through it every single time a baby joins our family. If you just think it is going to be automatic, you are going to be surprised!

Each child is different, and each bonding process unique.

I was sick when I heard people making comments like "what child doesn't bond with his mommy?"
Come on over, I'll show you one. RAD is real. It is difficult and it makes parenting and loving that child HARD AS HELL!

Hugs to you. I get it and I've got your back anytime. Internet people suck. Keep that in mind too.

just wanted to say hi and let you know i'd hug you...

2009-10-09T12:45:00.309-07:00

just wanted to say hi and let you know i'd hug you if i were next to you

Thank you. So brave, so honest. Wonderful.

2009-10-09T12:21:49.139-07:00

Thank you. So brave, so honest. Wonderful.

Ah, Stacey. I know I don't "know" you, but I'm pro...

2009-10-09T09:35:23.507-07:00

Ah, Stacey. I know I don't "know" you, but I'm proud to know you.

I have been very wrapped up in my own life and can honestly say I knew nothing of this story unfolding. I'm glad I came at it through your post. You are amazingly honest and write of your emotions so well. I think you do a great service to so many others' - no matter what they're experience - by sharing this.

truly an excellent post. yours is some of the mos...

2009-10-08T23:46:43.428-07:00

truly an excellent post. yours is some of the most thoughtful writing on disruption out there. thank you for cultivating some much needed understanding on this complicated issue.

I've followed Anita's story for a while but had no...

2009-10-08T19:26:17.846-07:00

I've followed Anita's story for a while but had no idea of your backstory with regards to adoption. I can identify with the strong desire to adopt and can only imagine how devastating it would be to have it fall apart in such ways. My heart goes out to you both and to your families.

"I will tell her never to imagine that love is eas...

2009-10-08T12:15:00.093-07:00

"I will tell her never to imagine that love is easy. I'm sorry she lost that first and more effortless (but not always instant) bond, the one that starts in the womb. That is a loss, a loss to grieve."

Amen.

I just went and read Anita's post and I do agree w...

2009-10-08T11:06:15.009-07:00

I just went and read Anita's post and I do agree with others on these comments that it is difficult to feel the same about her story as I do about yours. While I'm sure it was a very difficult decision for her to make, it does seem like it was based more on her issues rather than the childs. Everyone has to make decisions that are right for them and their family so I am not going to judge whether she was right or wrong because, honestly, if that is how she felt about this child she would have been doing a huge disservice to him and much more damage in the long run by keeping him. As I mentioned in my previous comment, we have adopted children but we also have done foster care and we had to give up a child that was with us for over two years that we had hoped to adopt and it was the most heartwrenching, horrible experience for all of us and I would not wish that experience on any family.

Incredible post. I truly commend you for being ho...

2009-10-08T10:28:30.295-07:00

Incredible post. I truly commend you for being honest about a very difficult time in your life - you are opening yourself up to a lot of potential criticism and very mean, judgmental people. I appreciate your telling your story. My husband and I have adopted two children (both were very small infants and thankfully we did not have any attachment issues), also have a 12 year old daughter, and have been considering now adopting an older child (5-7 yrs). We struggle with the reality of the issues we may face and trying to determine what is best for our current family as well as trying to find the right fit for a child who so desperately needs a family. Stories like yours do help to bring the realities of adoption to light - it isn't all rainbows and sunshine; there are some really tough times and tough decisions. Thank you for sharing your story.

I must live under a rock because I haven't seen th...

2009-10-08T09:38:32.064-07:00

I must live under a rock because I haven't seen the anita story everyone else seems to be aware of. I also had never of the term adoption disruption until I started reading your blog...and I didn't even read those posts until well after I was already a fan of your lyrical prose. I noticed the adoption sidebar stories one day and then just couldn't stop reading them - they had me in tears for you and your family. I wish people wouldn't make such rash uniformed judgments (me included, sometimes)...also, I have no idea if you could, but you might want to send this post to anita -- just to let her know there are others out there who have made it through it...big hug, my friend.

I seriously wish I could hug you right now. And ...

2009-10-08T09:03:46.905-07:00

I seriously wish I could hug you right now.

And I also did not mean to give the impression that I think attachment issues only occur in older children. We didn't find that to be the case at all! We adopted our Tongginator BEFORE her first birthday, yet we still faced many, many challenges. What I meant to say is that - physically - a younger child struggling with attachment issues is less of a physical threat to a family because they are not capable of as many things as a child age four and older.

And I still see a huge difference in the way you talk about disruption and the way that she talks about her disruption of baby D. I want you to know that - had I been raising other children in the home when the Tongginator struggled through the worst of her attachment issues - I don't know if I could have done it. I like to think that I could have... but I don't know. It took everything I had... and I was only parenting one child.

Which is why I seriously wish I could hug you right now.

I thought of you too when I read that post. Thank ...

2009-10-08T06:34:12.998-07:00

I thought of you too when I read that post. Thank you for sharing all this. It needs to be said. Life is not snappy soundbites. It's about real people.

I grew up thinking I wanted to adopt. On hindsight...

2009-10-08T04:40:48.897-07:00

I grew up thinking I wanted to adopt. On hindsight it stemmed probably for my sub-concious desire to be "noble".

Somewhere down the path I realized, I probably wasn't capable of being im-partial in all ways between a child that was bilogically mine and one that wasn't. Besides my husband was totally against adoption..he just kept saying think of the in-justice you would do to the child if the child did not feel the "belonging". Having said that ...I do empathize with you....and I think I can understand the pain and heart-break that went into making the RIGHT decision.

In your shoes..I am sure I would have done the same.

i just stumbled on an.ita's story and, after readi...

2009-10-07T20:27:00.893-07:00

i just stumbled on an.ita's story and, after reading, came over here knowing you must have addressed it. and of course you did. brilliantly. my heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with this situation. i can remember having issues bonding with my colicky son. and he WASN'T adopted. i can't even imagine the hurdles involved in something as emotionally charged and historically involved as an adoption.

thanks, as always, for providing your enlightening perspective.

I just want to echo the idea that there can be att...

2009-10-07T19:20:20.939-07:00

I just want to echo the idea that there can be attachment issues with a child under the age of one. My sister first stayed with us for about a month at age 9 months and stayed permanently at age 11 months. She is now 26 yo and has been continuously diagnosed with attachment disorder, something that has affected her in numerous ways throughout her life. Evaluations have pointed to her poor/missing pre-natal and post-natal care, in addition to neglect. Her biological mother was 13 yo when she gave birth, a refugee and probably dealing with her own PTSD issues during the pregnancy. Obviously our adoption was not disrupted, but I'm also not sure attachment ever occurred. I love her deeply, but also recognize that her issues have reigned over our family for 25 years.

Hi again - I'm sorry - I really didn't mean to s...

2009-10-07T17:33:39.373-07:00

Hi again -

I'm sorry - I really didn't mean to say that there is an age where there can be attachment problems, or not. Attachment issues can result from babies separated at birth. I've worked with kids who have RAD and other attachment issues for a long time now.

So much about An.ita's story bothers me, though, that I find myself unable to step away. I agree fully and wholeheartedly that to disrupt was best for D, but then again, I think that D should have never been allowed to come to her home - the home of an essentially single mother unprepared to put the work into parenting, unprepared to put her life (and particularly childbearing) on hold while she learned. Pregnancy is hormonal and challenging! How could she have possibly been the parent D needed?

The victim in this is D, not her, but she makes it about her, and that is what I find so challenging. Also, I would really *really* question the social worker who approved the adoption.

As I said, I don't take issue with disruption; I think it is an immeasurably painful thing that no one can fully understand until they walk in those shoes. *I* don't claim to think *I* know the pain of disruption, either, even though I've worked with families in the process and have heard their stories. But I do take issue with the circumstances of this situation as being the poster child for all disruptions.

I know I've been in la la workland but I have no i...

2009-10-07T17:27:41.440-07:00

I know I've been in la la workland but I have no idea what the deal with Anita is (and am holding fast to my Chaucer lesson planning and not googling it for fear of getting sucked in).

BUT, first, brilliantly written as ALWAYS.

Second, from one (albeit fairly lapsed) blogger to another, I give you a standing ovation for continuing to write poignantly, honestly and openly about your disruption. I feel crippled when people criticize my parenting, my choices, my beliefs...and I don't lay bare anything as raw or emotionally charged as your experience. I know the tendency is to dismiss the pandering and accolades, but please know that I truly admire your honesty.

(also I totally love that song - haven't heard it in years).

Stacey, You provide such a service when you blog-...

2009-10-07T17:17:18.192-07:00

Stacey,

You provide such a service when you blog--both from a social work perspective, and from a perspective of compassion.

Forget it, I have trouble expressing myself in the face of such carefully thought out, exceptionally wise words.

I bumble and I say I support you. I so appreciate your honesty and your detailing for us the many many shades of gray.

Thank you so much.

Stacey, this made me cry. I cannot imagine how bra...

2009-10-07T17:04:57.250-07:00

Stacey, this made me cry. I cannot imagine how brave you and Matt had to be to disrupt the adoption and find a situation that was better for everyone involved. You make me proud to call you my friend.

When I taught emotionally disturbed children, I on...

2009-10-07T17:03:12.182-07:00

When I taught emotionally disturbed children, I once had a seriously damaged child who had become a ward of the state after trying to harm another child in his adoptive family. I never thought to wonder about the agony that must have gone into that decision to let him go.

My heart breaks for you. We all do the best we can in the situation we are in.

Stacey, I have learned so much from you and your b...

2009-10-07T15:40:12.826-07:00

Stacey, I have learned so much from you and your blog. I had never even heard of adoption disruption before I started reading your blog, and those posts are what pulled me in and made me care so much about you. I still care and I still hate that you, Matt, and your little boy all went through this. Thanks for sharing/teaching through the pain.

@rachel and @tonggumomma I really appreciate your...

2009-10-07T14:25:24.553-07:00

@rachel and @tonggumomma I really appreciate your input and your points of view (and your measured, compassionate way of stating them!). I really do understand your feelings about Anita's story (or mine for that matter). I was troubled by some of the facts surrounding this family's adoption and disruption, I was saddened that this was the scenario that is being presented to the media and the public. It's not the typical disruption story.

But, when I started to try and "distinguish A's case on the facts" from my own (as lawyers say), I felt ill. I know in my heart that it isn't about whether we like some one, how odious we think their motives or decisions are, at the heart of it, I have to find this: She wasn't reacting to this child the way she knew she should. Maybe it goes deeper and is more troublesome than she dared to admit in public. Maybe she was feeling resentment, anger or even rage. Maybe she was feeling an urge to punish him for his understandable and expected, but difficult, behavior. Maybe she was afraid to say, "my feelings for this child were not right and I was afraid." If that is even a tiny, small possibility, than she did the right thing.

I guess not liking her (or me) has to be beside the point.

Also, though I have no idea if it was the case in her circumstance, I don't think it works to set an age under which we think attachment problems shouldn't happen. Although it's rare and requires severe neglect, children can develop severe attachment disorders in their first six months of life. Her inability to handle D's problems (or bond) may have been the result of all the personality flaws that she is accused of, but a child is not precluded from being very difficult to bond with because he arrived home under a year of age.

Finally, TM, I can't tell you how much I respect parents that find their center, hold the line and love right through to attachment. It's awe-inspiring.

To every single one of you: Thank you for reading with an open heart.