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Some things that happened in no particular order

Matt’s back went out on Tuesday night.  (Pause for appropriate sympathy … and done.)  Since we only really have one perspective here and it’s mine, let me be selfish as all hell and tell you how excruciating that is for me. Today was a busy day because I had two extra kids whom I was happily watching for a friend who couldn’t be around her kids because she was radioactive from her radiation treatment last week.  For cancer, Matt.  Which is probably not as painful as throwing your back out, albeit slightly more deadly.  The kids were all fabulous and it all worked fine, but I had like 67 iterations of pick-up and drop-off to do instead of the usual 52 and on top of that I had to put on Matt’s socks and shoes at 6:45 a.m. because he can not reach his own feet  Which I am happy to do.  Out of deep and abiding love and a need not to have another extra person in the house today.  But mid-14th-kid-drop-off, I received a text from the love of my life.

Matt:  Both of my shoes are untied.

Stacey:  Are you criticizing me or longing for my devoted presence?

Matt:  Both, I guess. I love you.

There are some situations in which adding “I love you” to a text barely (BARELY!) makes up for the message contained therein and this is one of them.  If he weren’t so pathetic I’d make him put his own damn shoes on tomorrow.

We haven’t discussed Hampton Noodle in a while.  He has this nick on his ear which may well be my undoing.  When we decided to get a baby elephant as a pet, I distinctly remember mocking people who chopped their pets ears off in the name of fashion.  Why would we do that?  He’s not a show dog? It seems cruel.  We’ll be so progressive and loving and leave his ears as god made them.  Why does god hate me so?  About a year ago Hampton took a small wedge out of his ear by catching it on the edge of the counter when he shook his head and I have been cleaning blood off of the walls, doors, ceilings, and furniture ever since.  That freaking dog can make a splatter pattern like six people have been brutally murdered with butcher knives in my kitchen and he always chooses my kitchen.  The walls of the dining room are painted congealed blood red.  Swear to god. I think it’s a Ralph Lauren color.  But does he choose the dining room for his performance art?  No.  He chooses my buttercup yellow kitchen every frickin time.  We have tried everything.  A cone.  A bandage.  Wound glue.  Screaming obscenities (only I have tried this).  NOTHING STOPS THE BLOODY SHAKING.  He inevitably nicks it again before the scab fully heals.  I mean, for the love of all that is holy, we cut off the end of all three of our precious baby boys’ penises and we were too high and mighty to chop off the dogs ears?  Do you have idea how painful it is for the brutally anal retentive woman who hates crafts and stickyness of any kind to try and keep up with the Friday the 13th blood bath that is HN on a bad ear day?  It appears there is a god after all and he thinks torturing me is really, really funny.

Sigh.  So I’ll be here dressing all the people in my house and cleaning up dog blood.  Visit me at Mamalode for a favorite story from the past and the essay that I read at our inaugural LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER Spokane event.

Embracing ridiculous at Mamalode.  Obviously, I’m good at it.

32 Responses to Some things that happened in no particular order
  1. Elonda
    December 7, 2012 | 5:00 pm

    I laughed so hard about the shoes!!!! My 37 yr old husband had a massive stroke in June which left him unable to use the right side of his body and he has problems with his speech. My 3 kids (14,12,10) and I are his official shoe tying people and we never do it to his liking. We have heard lots of complaints. Hang in there!

  2. Issa
    December 7, 2012 | 5:03 pm

    I feel so bad for you. And…don’t hate me, for him too. I mean I remember that pain. Well really I’m still in pain at times and I hurt my back in March. But yeah. *hands over the wine*

  3. andy
    December 7, 2012 | 5:03 pm

    I’m not sure which is worse… Matt’s shoes or HN ears! Hang in there.

  4. Kara Nutt
    December 7, 2012 | 5:26 pm

    According to this poor woman, almond milk cleans up blood really well. Also, the whole story will give you a good laugh and make you feel MUCH better about your dog….

    I give you, Dogs in Elk….

  5. Kara Nutt
    December 7, 2012 | 5:43 pm

    According to this woman, almond milk removes blood.

    This should give you a good laugh and make you feel better about your dog…

    I give you Dog in Elk….

  6. Korinthia
    December 7, 2012 | 6:13 pm

    Ewwwww. Well the ear thing is too gross and you have my sympathy! (Yuck.)

  7. Deb
    December 7, 2012 | 6:28 pm

    One time, about TWO DAYS after I had a C-SECTION to deliver our daughter, I was standing at the sink DOING DISHES, with my GUTS being held in by STAPLES, my husband came up to me complaining about a REALLY BAD PAPERCUT he had gotten in the hospital.

    I am not even kidding. He actually said, “no, you don’t understand – IT REALLY HURTS.”

    • kathy
      December 11, 2012 | 10:16 pm

      Only a man can say something really stupid like that.

    • kathy
      December 11, 2012 | 10:30 pm

      ….and those with back problems – MEN!!
      the last time my husbands back went out he was getting out of bed and sneezed at the same time….and “I” was in excruciating pain for almost a month when I couldn’t take it anymore and drove him to emerg after many doc appt’s Of “there’s nothing we can do”…”just have to give it time” crap. I told him not to get up off the gurney under the threat of death…cause he wasn’t coming home with me until he was fixed. And for once he did as he was told and moaned and groaned, rolled around on the gurney …put on a great performance. Yay for surgery and a disc chip removed. That night. After all the stupid doctors that I had endured. My life has been WONDERFUL …well in regards to having to assist with shoes and socks anyway.

  8. MommyTime
    December 7, 2012 | 6:49 pm

    Our dog had TWO of those horrifying, crime-scene-blood-spatter producing ear wedge wounds this past summer. NOTHING but NOTHING will make them heal. Here’s why in our case: in fact, they were probably the result of an ear infection deep in her ears, so that she was constantly scratching, and the scratching nails kept reopening the wounds. We went WEEKS of the hemorrhagic cleanup before I finally took her to the vet to see if there was anything we could do. Her solution? Antibiotics and ear drops for the infection, plus the largest ear bandage known to humankind, with approximately 27 rolls of sticky medical tape covering the dog’s entire ear to hold the bandage on and prevent further scratching. One week later, when we went for a follow-up, the ends of tape were just beginning to come loose. The vet removed the whole bandage, and LO! the angels sang!! the wound was COMPLETELY HEALED!!! What I’m saying is: get thee to the vet, even though this seems like a stupid thing to see a vet over. The bandage will have magical staying power if the vet does it, and she’ll also be able to check if there’s an underlying cause you didn’t know about. I felt guilty for ages that apparently my dog had had ear infections for six weeks before I took her to the vet for what I thought was just a stupid, not healing ear nick.

    Good luck!

  9. MommyTime
    December 7, 2012 | 6:52 pm

    P.S. I also should have said that you have my deepest sympathy over the blood spatter clean up. There is no describing its pervasiveness or the hell of that clean up.

  10. Sheila
    December 7, 2012 | 7:29 pm

    THis may be the funniest thing I have ever read on the internet: I mean, for the love of all that is holy, we cut off the end of all three of our precious baby boys’ penises and we were too high and mighty to chop off the dogs ears?

    Thank you…I needed this today.

  11. Roshni
    December 7, 2012 | 8:59 pm

    Ugh!! Sounds awful! Have you tried the corner protectors that they use for little kids?! Will that even work?! And, sorry for you about Matt’s back (see, my sympathies are squarely with you!)

  12. anna see
    December 7, 2012 | 10:30 pm

    while i have very little sympathy for matt over the shoe issue, i was so very grateful (and humiliated!) when tim had to help me pull up my pants when my back went out last year. tell matt i did not later complain by text that i had a wedgie. my sister needs to read this post. her dog has been getting blood all over the house b/c of a tail wound. they’re trying all sorts of things…

  13. Michelle
    December 7, 2012 | 10:44 pm

    Oh Stacey, I love you. You make me giggle… and only partly because I would have the exact same reactions. Is it wrong that I’m simply grateful we have no dogs?

    Fingers crossed for your friend. I had one who did that last year, too, and it was awful. She had a 9 month old at the time who couldn’t be around her for two weeks :s

  14. Mama D
    December 8, 2012 | 4:26 am

    So sorry about the blood splatters all over your kitchen. Can imagine what it must look like…years ago my mom’s food processor exploded while she was making cranberry relish in it and we were cleaning red splatters for two days afterward! :)

  15. Amelia
    December 8, 2012 | 7:05 am

    I no longer can be bothered with shoelaces. I’m regressing or something. I wear flip flops in the summer and vans in the winter. You should get Matt some vans.
    Once again thank you for proving I should never ever have inside animals.
    Light and love to your friend.

  16. Annie
    December 8, 2012 | 1:20 pm

    Great laughs this morning

    And unrelated- thank you for the Christmas gift ideas. I hit the ninjago pens and geodes for great deals and I can’t wait for the kids to see them.

  17. Gayle
    December 9, 2012 | 12:15 am

    Have you considered saying “we should have” and get the dogs ears done now so there isn’t a lifetime of blood splatter? I mean, my friend didn’t have her son’s penis done until he was 13 and he lived. I’m sure the dog will, too.

  18. Alexicographer
    December 9, 2012 | 5:19 am

    OMG, dogs in elk. Thank you @Kara Nutt, for that. “There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that kind.” Too true.

    Seconding the go-to-vet recommendation, as I’m wondering if stitches might be in order? Not so much for Hampton, who doesn’t sound like he’s suffering, but to allow the wound to heal and preserve your kitchen.

    For everyone’s sake, I do hope Matt feels better soon. Also seconding the recommendation for no-tie shoes, I wear the LL Beans women’s slip ons (Comfort Mocs, the cloggy things that have backs to them), and they are really, really nice, and the warm version might just be great for your part of the world. And they are not terribly expensive.

  19. Stacey
    December 9, 2012 | 10:12 pm

    Note to self: If husband ever throws out back, make sure he wears loafers until recovered.

  20. Candice@NotesFromABroad
    December 9, 2012 | 11:59 pm

    Is it too late to chop off the ears ? or do that thing so they will stand up ? You will have to go around with a ridiculous looking Great Dane with cones on each ear, made of bandaging but they will stick up instead of flop .. or just buy him a scarf, for gods sake and stop worrying about the neighbors ( the ones that think you are crazy, show them they are right … let the dog wear a cute little bandana .. Pup wore them when he ate so he wouldn’t get his ears in his food then take a bite of ear or just walk around with meaty smelling ears .. bandanas, that is the way to go.
    love you.

  21. magpie
    December 10, 2012 | 3:29 am

    that part about the penises made soda come out my nose…

  22. Erin
    December 10, 2012 | 11:06 pm

    The part about cutting your sons’ penises but not your dog’s ear made me laugh so hard. I love you and your life so very much. Let’s not live so far away.

  23. Tiffany
    December 11, 2012 | 1:09 pm

    Cracking up at this post, because I’ve been there on both accounts. My hubby had back issues on and off for years until the disk finally just broke off. Yuck. Horrible pain when that happened, but three years and no back issues. I’m so happy…for him…of course;)

    And the dog ears! I had no idea the blood splatter was an injustice suffered by others. I am not a dog person. The dog was a package deal with the man. A huge, shedding like a maniac Dalmation. The first time he nicked his ear on our metal trash can, our kitchen looked like an episode of CSI. Awful. My sympathies.

  24. Alexicographer
    December 11, 2012 | 2:26 pm

    Not related to this post, but here’s what looks like another (truly) great stocking stuffer: (wind-up flashlight).

  25. dumb mom
    December 12, 2012 | 3:29 am

    Holy crap this is funny. I mean, you know, the way you told it. It’s not funny that your husband’s back is injured or that your dog has a bloody crime-scene-esque affect on your house. Not inherently. But, the way you write it all out totally is. Love it. Hope the hubs is back in order soon and the dog is, um, less bloody.

  26. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
    December 12, 2012 | 5:16 am

    Oh this made me laugh! And also want to repaint my house. Maybe you are on to something with the congealed blood red.

  27. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
    December 12, 2012 | 5:18 am

    Oh this made me laugh! And also to repaint my house in congealed blood red.

  28. Lady Jennie
    December 12, 2012 | 7:09 pm

    This really made me smile. Our puppy has long ears. Thanks for the gruesome details of what awaits us.

    Did I ever tell you about the time that I prayed to be a better servant and my husband broke his foot that very same day?

    heh heh

  29. karen millen green dress
    May 20, 2013 | 1:49 pm

    Pretty! This was a really wonderful article. Thank you for providing these details.

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