Eleven More Random Things That Are Really Just Excuses for Not Writing Real Posts

1) I spent last weekend in Portland with four girlfriends and my mind melted into a little puddle of delighted happiness at how much fun it was and how much sleep I got between midnight and nine in the morning. You can't see me, but I'm doing an annoying little dance right now about sleeping until nine in the morning three - (!!) - mornings in a row.
1a) We ate the best cupcakes ever created in the history of the world. There were cupcakes filled with cookie dough. I know. And that's not even the flavor I bought because there was a better cupcake flavor than cookie dough filled. It makes me cry a little too.
1b) My children and my house survived my absence with the following important exceptions:
1.b.A. The upstairs toilet seat is covered in what I thought was a ball point pen scribble drawing, until it turned out to be a scribble drawing actually carved into the finish of the toilet seat with a sharp object. Upon thorough cross-examination of my children, it became clear to me that Cue was the artiste in question. Upon thorough cross-examination of Matt, it is still unclear to me when and why Cue had access to a sharp object and when and why he would be alone upstairs in the bathroom with possession of said sharp object. It looks like it may become a cold case.
1.b.B. The wall beside the basement closet is devoid, in large chunks, of the dark red paint that I selected. This, it would seem, is another of Cue's special projects. You will all be relieved to know that he never had access to an actual hammer. He is quite capable of hammering the shit out of a wall with a puzzle piece shaped like a hammer.
1.b.C. Nate has his first tooth. He rewarded my diligent pumping, lovingly intended to maintain my milk supply throughout the weekend so that we could continue to bond and nuzzle in mommy/baby bliss, by rejecting my left boob with a vampirish vengeance when it was unable to pour milk into his mouth like the plastic nipples of happiness that Daddy provided all weekend. My right boob continues to be acceptable to him. We are 1 1/2 days into this bizarre right sided preference and my right boob is already at least three times larger than my left. I think my left boob has weaned. Is that possible? Why is this weird shit not in the breastfeeding books?
1.b.D. Cue has what looks like a Hobo spider bite. Hobos are one of those spiders whose venom can necrotize the skin around the bite wound. Lovely, I know. Wait! Good news! No necrotizing as of yet and it usually happens in the first 24 hours.
1c) The entire trip to Portland came out of my line item budget, but I'll be damned if the replacement toilet seat isn't coming out of Matt's line item budget.

2) I'd feel more self-righteous about the toilet seat if Cue hadn't put several pennies, nickels and possibly a quarter into his "piggy bank" this morning on my watch. Where "piggy bank" = the tape deck in our minivan.

3) hArt for Haiti. It's next Tuesday. I'm scared people will come. I'm scared people won't come. I'm lucky Matt didn't enroll us in the blogger protection program for revealing our super duper top secret location.

4) I'm flying to Ohio early Friday morning to attend my Grandmother's funeral. Thank you in advance for your sweet thoughts. It is sad and my heart hurts for my mother and my family, but she lived a long, incredible life and I am so unbelievably grateful that I traveled to Texas before Christmas and saw her one last time. Now, let's see how many ways I can make my grandma's funeral about me:
3a) It is butt crack cold in Ohio this weekend.
3b) I'm taking my left-nipple hating baby. Yay. Security with a stroller. Again.
3c) My cousins can drink me under the table.
3d) hArt for Haiti is the day after I get back and then we have another huge thing going on two days later.

5) I was going to type about that other huge thing going on after hArt for Haiti, but I would like to stay married. Can I say that it involves more airplanes and all of our children? Lord help us. (Also, we have a huge dog and a crazy man with a shot gun lives above our garage.)

6) Cue was a penguin in a former life. The kid is obsessed with eggs. He has a whole stash of eggs that he shepherds around the house, moves from box to box, carries around, etc. He loves them and pets them and calls them George. First thing out of his mouth in the morning? Where mine eggs? Last thing we did last night? Convince his screaming, furious toddler ass to put his eggs to bed in a box for the night. It's kind of creepy.

7) I have amazing friends, online and right here in Arkansas. (Where we live. Aha.) Thank you for all your support and for holding my hand. Especially you and you because you're doing double duty.

8) I am taking way more than I'm giving this month, online and right here in Arkansas. I plan to change that in two weeks when this craziness is over.

9) My house must weather another weekend without me. Please pray for the hardwood floors and the kitchen cabinets. They're my two favorite things. I mean beside my children. And my husband. Generally, unless my husband is letting my children take puzzle piece hammers to my hardwoods or my cabinets and then NOT MY FAVORITE things. Not at all.

10) People, I kid you not, in Portland, Oregon, there is a cupcake shop that sells a better flavored cupcake than chocolate chip cookie dough filled. It bore repeating.

11) To recap, I'll be traveling. I'm stressed. My left nipple hurts. My grandma died. I feel badly because I'm a sucky friend and a terrible citizen-o-the-blogosphere. On the bright side, Nate is sleeping through the night, hArt for Haiti might get a fabulous turn out, I'll be drinking with all my cousins Friday night and last Monday evening, when I pulled up in front of our house after three days in Portland, Ess, Gee and Cue ran out onto the front porch. They screeched "mommy, mommy, mommy" and talked so fast about everything they had done with their Dad that I couldn't understand a word they said. The very best part about going away is coming home.