Breastfeeding Rules and Regulations

Nate, now that you are over six months old, it is time to review the AnyMommy guidelines for older child breastfeeding. Please read them carefully, ignorance of the rules is not a defense in this family.

Breastfeeding Rules and Regulations
for the
Older Baby

Part 100 - Definitions

Sec. 101 - Breastfeeding - Providing milk for nutritional purposes to the older baby via the mother's nipple.

Sec. 102 - Googly eyes - Trying to get the attention of others with eye-contact while smiling, cooing or otherwise acting adorably.

Sec. 103 - Kneading hand - The hand belonging to the older baby that is not pinned beneath the baby when the baby breastfeeds.

Sec. 104 - Misuse of the nipple - Breastfeeding behavior prohibited or deemed inappropriate by these regulations.

Sec 105 - Mother - The woman that bore the older baby and nourishes him with her delicate, nerve-filled breasts.

Sec. 106 - Nipple - Fleshy protuberance that is placed in the baby's mouth and delivers the milk.

Sec. 107 - Nursing - See breastfeeding.

Sec. 108 - Older baby - A baby six months of age or older.

Sec. 109 - Pinchy face - A mean expression made seconds before the baby bites or pinches the nipple with his gums.

Sec. 110 - Siblings - Older children belonging to the mother.

Sec. 111 - Spare nipple - The nipple that is not being used for milk acquisition when the older child breastfeeds.

Part 200 - Appropriate Breastfeeding Behavior

Sec. 201 - Goal

The goal of breastfeeding at this point in the older baby's life should be nutrition and hunger abatement. Boredom, soothing, the need to fall asleep and a general liking for something in your mouth are not acceptable reasons for production of the nipple.

Sec. 202 - Use of Nipple

(a) The only acceptable use of the nipple is sucking to acquire milk. All other behavior is considered misuse of the nipple.

(b) Misuse of the nipple as described in these regulations indicates to the mother that the nipple is being used for purposes other than nutrition or hunger abatement and shall result in appropriate penalties as set forth herein and determined by the mother.

Part 300 - Breastfeeding Prohibitions

Sec. 301 - The Prairie Dog

(a) The term prairie dog describes behavior wherein the older baby repeatedly turns his head away from the nipple to survey the room, observe siblings or other children, watch interesting events or investigate interesting sounds and then turns back to the nipple for a drink.

(b) The prairie dog is prohibited in public venues.

(c) In private, the prairie dog may be allowed at the mother's discretion, especially in cases where the siblings are interesting or distracting.

(d) Although some allowance may be made for extremely interesting moments, public prairie dog is grounds for use of the blanket or other covering equipment or temporary covering of the nipple as set forth in part 400 of these rules and regulations.

(e) Any prairie dog maneuver performed without letting go of the nipple is misuse of the nipple and will result in immediate ejection from the breast for a period of at least one hour.

Sec. 302 - Biting

(a) Any biting, that includes, clamping, mashing, clenching or pinching between gums of any sort intended to cause, or causing, pain to the nipple, is misuse of the nipple and is prohibited. Such misuse will result in immediate ejection from the nipple for a period of at least one hour.

(b) The pinchy face as defined in sec. 109 shall be considered a precursor to biting and may result in a warning or may be penalized in the same manner as biting.

Sec. 303 - Flirting

(a) Flirting while breastfeeding shall be permitted only with the mother. All other flirting while breastfeeding is prohibited.

(b) Flirting at any other time between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. is permitted and encouraged.

(c) Flirting includes, but is not limited to, smiling, giggling, making googly eyes or otherwise engaging others in any manner.

(d) Flirting while breastfeeding is grounds for use of the blanket or other covering equipment or temporary covering of the nipple as set forth in part 400 of these rules and regulations.

Sec. 304 - The Kneading Hand

The kneading hand must avoid touching the belly rolls and the spare nipple at all times. If the kneading hand can not control itself, it will be held by the mother's hand. Any frustrated clamping or biting as a result of restriction of the kneading hand will result in ejection from the nipple.

Part 400 - Penalties

Sec. 401 - The Blanket

(a) The blanket may be used at the discretion of the mother to cover the older baby's head to prevent prairie dog or flirting as defined in sections 301 and 303 of these rules and regulations.

(b) Any frustrated clamping or biting as a result of use of the blanket will result in ejection from the nipple.

Sec. 402 - Covering the Nipple

The mother may cover the nipple and prevent access by the older baby at any time as a penalty for prohibited breastfeeding behavior.

Sec. 403 - Ejection from the Nipple

(a) Ejection from the nipple is the gentle, but forcible removal of the nipple from the baby's mouth and withholding of the nipple for a proscribed period of time as determined by the mother.

(b) Biting as defined in sec. 302(a) or any other behavior intended to cause, or causing, pain to the nipple shall result in ejection from the nipple.

Part 500 - Weaning

Sec. 501 - Definition

Weaning is permanent withdrawal of access to the nipple and all associated milky goodness.

Sec. 502 - Limited Use

Weaning shall be considered a last resort until the baby reaches eight months of age. After that time, weaning may be instituted at the discretion of the mother.

Sec. 503 - Exception

Two instances of biting with use of teeth in the period of one week shall result in weaning regardless of the age of the baby.

Sec. 504 - Substitution of Nutrition

Whenever the mother institutes weaning she shall provide an appropriate hunger abatement substitute.

Part 600 - Appeal

All decisions of the mother are final. There is no higher power than the mother.

*****************************************

I know. It's a damned breastfeeding dictatorship.


At first glance, you wouldn't imagine a limitless capacity for evil, would you?

Why yes, I did edit regulations for five years of my life. Can you tell?

I know this is a frivolous follow up to the previous two posts. There really wasn't an unfrivolous way to move on. Haiti is still very much in our hearts and minds.

In other frivolous, fun news, thank you to the sweetheart that put my name on this list. It was such a trill to see it there, however silly that is. (I'm way down, keep scrolling. Still. Fun.) And also, thank you, Amelia. I have no way to respond to your comment directly, but it made my day. That's one of my favorites too.