It's not because I'm an awesome parent or because I've found the ultimate answer to the age old question - how the hell do I get these kids to stay in their damn beds all night because I'm old and tired and I hate under eye bags? It's because I'm mean and I don't care if my kids cry.
Whoa, Tonto, put down the phone, no need to call DYS yet. Of course, I care if they cry if it's important. If they're sick or in pain or terrified of the ceiling (? IT'S JUST A CEILING, THERE'S NOTHING THERE BUT PAINT). But, thirsty? Not tired? Itchy? Blankets on wrong? Hair rubbed the wrong way? Favorite sock/PJs/toy/animal/blanket/pillow/paraphernalia of any sort missing?
I. don't. care.
I had to walk up here to tell you how much I don't care? You owe me fifteen minutes in your bed in the morning. While we eat breakfast. Which means you eat a plain waffle for breakfast on the way to where ever I'm going.
That kind of includes my older babies, I admit. I hit a brick wall with "OH MY GOD I AM SO DONE WITH THIS NURSING OVERNIGHT THING, I AM SO TIRED, YOU ARE JUST PLAYING, I DON'T LIKE YOU AT 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 OR EVEN 5:00 A.M." written all over it in huge, bubble graffiti at approximately nine (Gee), okay seven (Cue), okay six (Nate) months and I let my babies cry it out.
Gasp. I know. The C. I. O. words. So blase. So years beginning of time through 1990. So cruel and heartless. Dude. Comere. Closer. Closer. Divulging parenting secret the experts won't tell you. (Whispering) it totally works.
It generally takes about forty-five minutes the first night, less from there, and after four days, with all three boys, it's been over and my life has returned to blissful well-restedness.
I'm not advocating crying it out. I'm not judging anyone who responds to every whimper until their kid is five. I don't think you are a bad parent if you absolutely can not bear the crying and you respond. I don't think you are a bad parent if you think it's important to comfort children to sleep and you nurse your three-year-old at 2:00 a.m./let your kids sleep in your bed/sleep in your kids' beds/hang upside down from your kids' ceiling until they fall asleep.
I am NOT judging sleep choices.
Flip side is: you don't get to judge me either. Yep. I let them cry. And it's not because I love my kids less than you do. It's not because my kids are less precious than yours. It's not because I'm a hard ass or I don't have feelings or I think it's fun to listen to a baby wail for forty-five minutes.
I just don't think whether or not we respond to kids at night determines outcomes. I don't think it matters, particularly, where you are on the spectrum of child raising from the most attachmenty of attachment parents all the way down the continuum to what some might call, ahem, drill sargenty. I don't think my kids will end up ruling the world because we all slept 10 hours a night and your kids will end up in jail. I don't think my kids will end up in jail because I was mean about bedtime and your kids will have six Ph.Ds. If consistency and love are there, I think it's kind of a crap shoot. Scary, I know.
Also, I am selfish and I consider sleep probably one of the top three most important things in my life along with hot showers and chocolate chip mint ice cream. I rank my sleep above causing my children mild upset/distress/discomfort. I don't put it above their health, safety or reasonable well being. I do consider it more valuable than avoiding forty-five minutes of crying at six-months-old. That's just me.
Enter Nate. Delightful, flirty Nate of the sinfully cute smiles. At three in the morning. Gah. I gave myself a concussion on that wall the week before Christmas at about three a.m. while he was gnawing on my nipple purely for entertainment and companionship and not at all for nutrition or because he intended to soothe himself back to dreamland in any kind of appropriately prompt manner and I let him cry himself to sleep three nights in a row. I nursed him down in my arms, ignored the fact that he transfers from arms to rigged chair/bassinet contraption like a hungry polar bear with a toothache, let him cry himself to sleep and then ignored his fussing/cooing/smiling ass until 6:00 a.m.
It worked. He slept better. Until he got a really bad cold the day after Christmas and yes, even heartless wicked witch me can not leave a baby wailing in his rigged bassinet when he can not breathe through his nose. I caved and now that he can breathe I'm going to have to start all the damn way over again.
I know that this second go around should involve his crib, but I don't want to make the switch because he sleeps so well in that car seat when he sleeps. I absolutely do recommend the car seat in bassinet sleeping system for small babies. They breathe better when they are upright like that and they are all snuggly in there.
Behold, the car seat/bassinet contraption of sleepfulness.
And. Bonus. For that tricky transition from arms to car seat/bassinet? I can nurse him in the car seat. That's right. I can set him in the car seat and still nurse him. I have really talented nipples.
I absolutely am. My left nipple is in his mouth. You can see his wee toes on the bottom left. I have crazy nursing multitasking skills. In just a moment, I can pop it out and leave him cashed out in the chair. Where he'll stay, sleeping peacefully for two or three hours. Unless it's the middle of the night and I'm actually trying to sleep, at which point, I give him fifteen minutes.
Nate and I went to his six month well baby check on Tuesday and my pediatrician, who has been through four babies with me and knows me well, asked me casually if he was still sleeping in his car seat.
Me: Uh huh.
Dr. Sarah: You should probably start thinking about transitioning to a crib. Or a flat surface of any sort.
Me: Uh huh. I know. I will. It's just, he's kind of a light sleeper and we just did the crying thing and then he slept through the night for like two days and then he got an awful cold, so you know. But, I will. I know I need to do it. He's starting to sit up and he's going to roll himself right out of that seat and hit the floor.
She laughed because she's awesome and relaxed like that.
Dr. Sarah: Well he'll be fine as long as it's on carpet.
Aha. It totally is. Now.
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41 comments:
Totally impressed with the carseat breastfeeding!
Bedtime is similar here. We let all three of ours cry it out, and not it's not a struggle. When I say goodnight, I'm done. See ya in tha mornin' suckahs.
And we used the carseat in the crib for at least 9 months. We did "practice runs" without the carseat during nap times for a few days before we tried all night. Worked. Three times.
Yes! Two of my boys are in bed by 6:30 and the third before 7(time depending on when the brother who shares his room is asleep, but it's always before 7) and then nothing until 6 or 7pm. I value my sleep!
And 2/3 of my kids slept in the car seat.
I'm impressed by your nursing skills!
you had me at "chocolate chip mint ice cream." People think I"m joking that I go to bed at 8:30pm and take naps on the weekend. It's because I'm still PSTDing about getting 3 total hours of sleep, in 20 minute intervals (non back to back), from 9-6am when my daughter was an infant. Yeah, she's 5 now and I still am greedy about every single minute that I can be in bed sleeping.
if people only tried to let their infants self soothe they'd know that it really does only take a few days.
We used to turn the monitor off for the first 10 minutes just so we didn't have to listen to it.
I just put my 18 month old to bed in her sister's room for the first time last night. She cried for about 25 minutes. Not bad at all...
I'm all for CIO when it works (relatively quickly), as it did for 2 of mine. I had one, though, that cried for HOURS, so I figured it was worth it to just get up, nurse and be back to bed in 5 or 10 minutes.
I'm interested to read how your carseat/bassinet-to-flat-surface transition goes. Good luck.
Stacey you are awesome! My doctor gave me some great advice when our oldest was not sleeping (he didn't sleep from 6-36 mos. Good times). Do whatever you have to do to get some sleep.
That's what you're doing. No one can function without sleep. One of the great things about having more than the 1.7 children (or whatever) our society tends to favor is that you learn there's not a "right" way to do things--there's what works for you and your kids. You are completely right--they'll be fine. Pinky swear.
This is from someone who NEVER could let her kids cry it out. I am with you 100%.
Wow - I'm impressed with the carseat nursing. Talented nipples indeed.
Yep, we're CIO folks here too - Claire goes to bed later than I'd like, but it works for her, and we're rarely bothered by little things. Except for the other day where she got upset at naptime and wanted a tissue, and when I refused, cried harder.
Ugh.
But Ben - he's in the carseat in the cosleeper, which is pushed up against the wall. He's 3 1/2 months old now, and we are fully planning to let him CIO at 6 months or so. Not sure about the sleeping on the mattress yet or not.
Yeah, whatever works. I did the "Mom's All Night Diner" co-sleeping thing until mine was about 6 months, and I was getting more interruptions than actual sleep. Then it was off to his own crib lalalala ICAN'THEARYOU!
He slept in the car seat a lot too, but I got lectured about how it's bad for them after more than 4 hours or something (unclear how, exactly). Whatever. It worked.
I don't have kids (yet) but I've read lots of blogs that profess the attachment parenting and honestly, your post today makes so much more sense. I can't imagine living without sleep--definitely someone who really values that! Thanks for sharing your opinion and the non-judgmental stance that you're taking. If only everyone could share their viewpoints that way...
Those are some pretty talented nipples!
Yeah we eventually succumb to CIO too! Sleep is just to important to me being a good mom!
I totally remember that having to start all over - i think we are still doing it after sickness/travel - arrgg! But with nursing skills like yours, I know everything will shake (hang?) out in the end.
Ah, good times. Happy New Year to you ; - )
I LOVE this post. I'm a hardass, but I also CANNOT stand crying. I mean, it makes me insane. Strangely, my own kid heard a baby crying the other day and started freaking also. She was all, like, "make that kid stop. The noise is brutal". My love of sleep (and order) was totally at odds with my loathing of crying. So many a fight was had with my husband over the screaming (insanely willful) baby as we did our own version of Ferberization. It worked eventually.
Oh, and now I yell at my daughter (like clockwork) at 11 pm every night when she's still awake (and reading or playing) even though I tried to get her to go to sleep at 9. Ironic, huh?
You are the best! I love the pictures!
I get up in the night until they are four months old. AND AT FOUR MONTHS OLD, (not sure why that's the magic age) I let them scream. It sounds like it works for mine the same way it works for yours.... About four or five days of hell, and then PEACE!
I have seven more weeks of sleep depravation. I am counting the days/hours.
Both of my kids were AWFUL sleepers. Porgie had to be touching you at all times or she wouldn't sleep. Izzy, like Nate, only slept in his car seat.
And I did the cry it out thing too. It totally works.
Wait...you're not supposed to let them cry? Shoot. No one told me that. Oh well. Too late now.
We do what we need to do. My daughter is six now, but I remember every minute of the two hours of screaming I sat through with tears running down my face and my fingers in my ears out of sheer exhaustion. She's been a champion sleeper since with no repercussions.
You're a champ to do it with four of 'em!
I like the philosophy of "do what it takes, within reason, to get sleep". Sleep makes us better mothers during the day and that's what leaves the deepest impressions.
I think the car seat sleeping controversy is regarding improperly installed car seats. The car seat "experts" state that a car seat should be installed at a 45 degree angle to prevent slumping, which can obstruct the airway. I've read estimates stating upwards of 80% of car seats are installed improperly. When their little chins are buried in their chest, the flexion causes restricted breathing, especially during sleep.
Whenever I've employed the car seat as a sleep device when we are traveling, I prop a rolled blanket under the front so that the car seat is in a deep recline. Then it is only a gentle angle, with the feet elevated. I've never worried about it.
Cry it out has definitely worked for us. It was never a traumatic event.
Your blog delights me! Thank you.
You have the mad nursing skillz. I can't actually handle the CIO, but I have some head meds that help me to endure it a little better than I could without. Ah, well, we do what we can.
I love mint chocolate chip ice cream, too.
CIO...what can I say....it works! I would rather have 45 min of crying than years of losing sleep! My babes are in bed at 5:30pm and 6:30pm and I don't hear from them again until 6:30amish! We love having our evenings to ourselves and when we get a babysitter, she has a very easy job!
Seriously? Are we twins separated at birth or something? This is exactly how I feel about bedtime, to. the. letter.
My sleep comes first, therefore we are a cry-it-out household and we are firmly opposed to a family bed. If I'm sleep deprived? You should run for the hills cuz Momma is a BAD MOMMA.
I have my 4th child in bed at 6:15. The 3rd child is in at 6:30. The 2nd one is in at 7:30. The 1st one is in at 8 and he's allowed to read until 8:30. They are all rockin' and rollin' by 7am.
And the best part? I get several hours of husband-and-me time every single night AND I don't have to battle with my kids to get them up for school in the mornings. They all get up without any fuss or muss.
This just happens to be what works for us.
I so hear you on the CIO...its what we do hear and we have peace from about 630-7pm till about 6am the next morning! Without this time to reconnect with each other and get the much needed sleep, there is no way I could handle my 3 under 2yrs. And carseat in the bassinet...awesome!!!...my newest just loves that carseat.
I did CIO w/Oscar to much success. Kid sleeps from 7-7. MW, much more difficult. He's a super light sleeper and will cry his face off for HOURS. Or he'll cry for like 45 minutes, sleep for 20, cry for 20, sleep for 10, cry for 10, sleep for 5, then CRY CRY CRY until my brain explodes.
We'd had some success, though. He was sleeping until 4am, not bad. Enter cold PLUS ear infection. All progress lost. Sigh.
wish i'd thought of the darn car seat thing about 100 yrs ago! at 8 and 10 yrs old, the kids stay up entirely too late. makes me grumpy b/c it cuts into blogging time!
Love that picture. Multi-tasking at it's finest.
Corinne has been sleeping with Evan for the past few months. Why? I don't know. Nor do I care either, because I get a LOT more sleep this way!
My babies all slept in their car seats!! No worries :) And awesome breastfeeding skills...I wish I would have thought of that one :)
He is SO cute!
Wow. That is truly impressive breastfeeding skillage. I am in awe.
But the sleep thing? I'm totally with ya on that, although my punishment for making me come upstairs for a "bad" reason is that I'll take away a stuffed animal each time. But hey, I get a good 11-12 hours of sleep a night out of the wee ones. Plus naps.
The light sleeper thing though? I'm not sure what I did, but Little Miss is the same way. She's SUCH a light sleeper. Unfortunately, she's 4 and I still haven't figured out a solution.
seriously, we were separated at birth. we do the carseat thing too. our carseat is in that stupid ginormous travel system that i refuse to use because, HELLO, something that big should carry at LEAST two children. but would you believe, that #3 just up and decided he'd rather be in his crib at 4 weeks?! so weird.
i let my kids CIO too. you're nicer than me, though... i made #1 CIO at 4 months on the dot. as soon as my ped said he didn't nutritionally need to eat at night. #2 got it until 6 months, but that was only because of a bad solid food experience combined with a head cold. gah. #3? i'm thinking four months again.
sleep. sweet sleep.
good luck with round two!
(and i'm totally impressed by your nipples. i SO can't do that!)
Car seats were the way to go for us too. Except number 4 only wanted to sleep *gasp* on his belly, burrowed in the mattress, practically frightening me to death (my husband was annoyingly unperturbed) while he slept (and breathed comfortably) for hours straight. He is still a belly sleeper at three and unlike my back-to-sleep six year old, has a delightfully round shaped head.
I agree, sleep is a precious commodity. And it promotes mom's sanity which is usually tenuous at best. Around here at least.
Happy 2010.
Yes, good God and by all means do whatever on earth you can to make dem babies sleep!
I think parents get less judgmental with each consecutive child. First timers are the worst. I know I was.
xo
I hate that moms have to defend their choices! Ahh, the CIO. I did it, totally works. Didn't care, needed more sleep but that worked for us and it doesn't work for everyone so whatever.
You do what you want to do and you keep on doing it without defending yourself! We love you!
Hope you had a GREAT Christmas and New year!!!
I was lucky. P slept 11 hours a night BUT the NEVER NAPPED. The problem was only during 6 of those hours were both of us asleep
ha! i've done the car seat breastfeeding! in the car! with twins! in l.a. traffic! on the way to my cousin's wedding! the valley saw my huge breastfeeding breasts!
i'm thoroughly impressed by your ability to take pictures while you do it.
anyhoo - we also did a modified cio with our 2 youngest. the twins were great sleepers after 6 months, so i didn't need it with them. we went through a program set up by a sleep clinic in st. louis. it worked wonders & i tell everyone who asks for help in the sleep department to see if their hospitals have sleep clinics.
THAT PHOTO IS MOST IMPRESSIVE!!! WOW. That is amazing multi-tasking skills....
I really am starting to think I can't handle the TINY baby thing now. I may have to just adopt again. L was 18 months when I got her. Although it was NO cake walk, I just don't think I can do the itty bitty baby nursing stuff round the clock. You must be super mom. Good for you for supporting C.I.O. Of course a GOOD parent knows the difference between a child's different cries. I still check on my child periodically of course. Besides, she always finds some way to sneak into our bed when I wake up in the morning. Sigh. :)
I'm TOTALLY on board with CIO and I've done it with both of my boys and probably will with the girl. Although I've already been a little more lax with her. Hmmmm... But, I value my sleep A LOT too and so does my family for if I don't get enough MOMMA ain't happy!!
Love your breastfeeding shot - you have mad skills lady! ; )
You are my hero. Tell me about the um bed thing. Is it going okay? Did you go back to all of them in cribs till they move out?
oh how I wish I could do C I O. SO SO wish that. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was 7 months pregnant maybe? That was over a year ago. The baby pukes when she cries longer than 5 minutes or else I totally would. I'm to the point where I'd rather let her cry than be a sleep deprived bitch the next day. But the puke...that's a deal breaker. So sleepless me it shall be.
I'm up at night with my kids far more often now than I was last year... But I'm feeling the pinch of them getting older and I guess I'm willing to lose sleep to get those last moments of nighttime cuddles while they're still around. But the price is the face of an 80 year old woman and a zombie-like stare. I may need to get back to reality soon....
Did the CIO thing too, although we allow one or two feeds a night until after 1. God, the looks we get where we live in Attachmentville, population: judgment. It's like an Olympic sport around here. I'm attached plenty to my kids and they to me. Just not when I'm not getting any sleep.
I am a veteran breastfeeder....I'm on my third baby & my kids nurse for the entire first year. But dang!! I do not have your carseat breastfeeding prowess. Talented nipples indeed!
I also wanted to say that I am with you on letting kids cry it out. We've done it with all three of ours, and I think it helps them learn to fall asleep, stay asleep and fall back to sleep if they wake on their own. For those that criticize I say that I think it's the best way to help kids get really good sleep. And helping my kids get good sleep is one of the most responsible things I do as a parent. The end.
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