Matt's world is so much simpler than mine.*
Matt on why he can not manage to clean up the kitchen when he feeds the kids dinner. What? It is clean.
Matt on breastfeeding. Breasts are bigger, that's a positive. Breasts are for baby only, huge negative. Huge.
Matt on co-sleeping. Fourteen pound cock blocker. Also, why does he get all the boobies?
Matt on whether the kids watch too much TV. It's not TV, it's college football.
Matt on whether the kids watch too much football. No. They watch it on too small of a TV. It's hurting their eyes. Our TV is too SMALL.
Matt on whether he wants to take Cue to toddler class or Gee to his four year well baby check. Toddler class sounds skippable.
Matt on why the kids call our new (finally finished!) mudroom, the "dog house." Because it is the dog house.
Matt on how it can possibly be the "dog house" if we don't have a dog. But, we will.
Matt on whether we eat too much processed food. What? Like hot dogs?
Matt on hateful, anonymous internet comments. Why do we care what internet people think?
Matt on internet comment people hurting my feelings. Turn it off.
Matt on my intense internet outrage. It's in the corner.
Matt on the fact that I'm still talking about judgy internet people. The red box. With the little "x" on it.
(Not comments here. I was surfing; I shouldn't surf.)
Matt on whether I should be freaking out that my three-month-old insists on sleeping on his stomach. Can he do it in his crib?
Matt on Cue's worsening attachment to his nanny blanket. He's so quiet when he holds it.
Matt on whether I should insist that he leave nanny in his crib. He's so loud and screamy when he's not holding it.
Matt on discipline. Do I need to leave you with your mother? (Sadly, this works, because he doesn't notice how dirty they get and he let's them play with his tools and push the shopping cart.)
Matt on whether the baby spends too much time in his swing. He's so quiet when he's swinging.
Matt on taking the baby out of the swing. He's so loud and screamy when he's not swinging.
Matt on increased mercury in swine flu vaccines. We were both vaccinated with mercury preservative vaccines.
Matt on the fact that I'm still stressing about the swine flu vaccine decision. It's the flu or the vaccine. You're going to stress either way, aren't you? If I take a position one way or the other will your stress be resolved sooner? Which way could I lean to expedite that process?
Matt on mercury preservative. There are certainly worse chemicals that we don't know about.
Matt on my new stress about unknown, harmful chemicals. Could you stop talking? Better idea. Could you stop thinking?
Matt on whether it's wrong to get water at Starbucks every day. Why?
The cup. I get water every day with my chai and it's a whole extra cup. It's so much trash. I recycle it, but still. I should reuse the cup, but I always forget and I'm so thirsty if I don't get a water.
Matt on cup stress. You are worried about the water? The water is free, woman. It's wrong to get the goddamned chai every day. We could send a kid to college on those chais.
Matt on why he wants to deny me my one guilty daily pleasure. You are making my brain hurt. If it makes you happy, drink the chai.
Matt on why I'm still not sleeping. Are you seriously lying there worrying about that cup?
Maybe. And also why I couldn't get hulu.com to work so that I could watch Grey's.
Matt on what's wrong with this crazy world. You. You are the crazy in this world.
Goodnight. Goodnight, I love you.
Matt on why I came to bed and left the hall light on. I'm already in bed, you were last to bed, you have to turn it off.
Matt on the fact that I haven't moved yet. You seriously aren't going to turn it off?
You know I'm afraid of the dark. I'd rather sleep with it on than walk to bed in the dark. We've discussed this many times.
Matt on how I can possibly be that afraid of the dark. I don't believe you.
Matt on my fear that he will turn into something scary and supernatural during my walk from the light switch to our bed in the dark. I'm a little afraid of you right now.
*Matt's an awesome Dad, he just doesn't stress about things the way I do at times. He totally turns the hall light off for me every single night without turning into anything scary or supernatural. That's why I love him.
Friday, October 9, 2009
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69 comments:
Oh Em Gee, I have the same light conversation with my husband every night!
I am so afraid of the dark, it isn't funny. I got married just so I wouldn't have to sleep by myself in the dark!
Kidding!
Kind of. :)
I absolutely love this. :)
OMG Matt just won so many points it is unbelieveable. Really. I'm a Matt.
Get a bigger TV.
Get the cock blocker into his own bed. NOW!
Give the kid whatever he wants as long as he isn't whiny and screaming. AHHHHHH!
Get a dog. It's another reason to bitch.
Dude aka Matt..you are my hero. There is no such thing as too much tv (and football IS NOT tv). DO NOT ever make her turn off the light in the dark. There really are monsters.
I've seen them.
I agree. College football isn't tv. Neither is soccer or F1 racing. Just sayin'...
And those internet trolls? Suck. We love you and that's all that counts.
wow. the only way that i can tell that we aren't married to the same person is the tv part. substitute weather channel for football ... and its the same guy. thankfully local on the 8s ... comes on at least every 8 minutes ... so we don't have to wade through hours of a sport. unfortunately ... he is ALWAYS in the bathroom when that 8 hits.
Loved this post! You know, if you start turning the hall light off earlier every night maybe it will make up for that cup you're wasting every day...
KLS
Giggled all the way through this post.
And, although I'm much more like you than I am like Matt, I'm SOOOO glad your babies have him to balance out their lives.
Love you!
Hilarious. I love that he allows you your expensive drink without a big fight about money. Now that's love. Or maybe surrender?
By the way - you can watch pretty much any network show on their website. I usually watch Grey's on abc.com.
Love this post! I think Matt and my husband could have a lot in common. Worry is a foreign word to him and an essential part of my being...
These could be quotes from my husband - especially about the TV. He's constantly complaining about our ancient, tiny TV and trying to justify getting a big flat screen.
hilarious! love the "Matt as disciplinarian..."
I think I might be married to Matt. Maybe you could write a whole paper on the theory of Matt as Dad. It would be universally appealing to all wives and mothers.
Basically, it's just a dude thing.
Ha! so glad I didn't miss this post. I had to hit "mark all as read" on my reader yesterday. there are a few blogs I'll try to catch up on tho so you may get comments from me on older posts like 3 months from now. lol.
loved this post. matt is hilarious.
The one reason I love the internet is I can rest easily knowing that ANYONE who doesn't agree with me or reaffirm that I am good and right, must simply be a moron. Also, the internet has taught me that there are many wonderful, brilliant, beautiful people out there who (prepare yourself for this) agree with me and reaffirm that I am good and right. :-) I love those people.
OMG, we need to get Matt together with my John. They'd totally get along. And you and I could drink expensive Starbuck drinks together and worry (but I can't do the chai; hate the chai).
This is awesome.
High-larious!!
I think that discipline threat is the same one used at my house. Sigh.
LOL!
Life would be pretty boring if H and I agreed on stuff. I'm glad he keeps you on your toes. ;)
You could have titled this "The Difference Between Moms and Dads."
My hubby is an awesome dad, but dirty kitchen, unmade bed, etc do not even register in his brain and he does not worry about stuff. He figures I do enough worrying, there's not reason for him to do any!
I have to add...he thinks the whole "wait 6 weeks til after delivery for sex" is a form of torture...we've only made it 4 weeks so far!
I really like the way Matt thinks-it's funny when it's not your husband saying those things! (which most of them do)
So funny! And reminds me so much of my own husband.
This: Matt on co-sleeping. Fourteen pound cock blocker. Also, why does he get all the boobies?
made me laugh for a full minute before I could go on reading, since it is exactly what I have heard in the past!
I'm there with you on the swine flu vaccine. I can't decide what to do, either.
Between this and my own day today I'm seriously convinced that men are aliens. My own apparently hails from the planet Insane.
I think you have probably described almost every relationship between a man and a woman. :)
One thing that might help with the Grey's hulu problem is that you can watch it on abc's website. That is where I do the majority of my tv watching.
Ha ha . . . .that was good and almost perfect.
But thats the way it should be I suppose :-)
I need more Matt in my brain.
And more you in my life (smooch)
xo
I think our husband's would get along well.
Being the mom is so much more complicated.
I just love this! Tom said to me at J's baseball game. Geez, why do you have to worry about every little thing? Is that any way to go through life??? Ugh. Hello? If I didn't worry about this family, or the weather, or the lonely lady down the street, who would??
Your post made my day. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile! Thanks!
Matt sounds an awful lot like my husband, too! Thank goodness I have him, because he's gently reminded me I've left the kitchen light on after we've both gotten into bed upstairs and I give him that "Um, it's downstairs. We've been up here for two minutes now and god only knows what kind of monster is down there already waiting for me..." look, so he'll get up and head down to turn it off.
Or, better yet, he drifts off to sleep and leaves it on, and oh, yes, it gets left on, because hi, mutant monster! I'm not going down there! Of course, I then stay awake thinking about the light burning, but whatever!
It's good we have these men who don't stress about stuff to help balance us out for all that we do stress about!
I've been trying to write a post in my head about 'why you're a good husband/why I'm a good wife.' Your take was much funnier!
Husbands are oblivious. But we love them.
It's not TV, it's college football! That is priceless! And I also kinda worry about my family turning into Mommy Flesh Eating Zombies on my way from turning out lights also.
So. Kudos to Matt for being fully qualified to be a husband. Argh. Its a good thing they love us, right!
You are, as EV-ER, hilarious. Even without sleep you are utterly perceptive and spot on. Thanks!
Bro-code dictates that I agree with Matt on every point. Even if that weren't the case, I totally would. Except maybe for the mercury thing... I'm a worry wart about that.
But seriously... chill woman.
I feel like I wrote so much of this post myself... same hubby name and everything.
Matt sounds like an enlightened and very intellegent human being, you should listen to him.
unemployedgrant
Too funny! I am too afraid of the dark, and I'm with him on the co sleeping its just not for me. Terrified of the swine flu now that people who's blog I follow are friends with people who's kids have died. Also scared of the vaccine, not the mercury since alot of people eat a ton of tuna and really what the difference but I'm scared the vaccine will kill us like it did in 1976, so still waiting to see if people die fromt he shot before we even think about getting one.
I like Matt. A lot.
Matt is what my husband would sound like if my husband didn't pretend to be all sensitive New Age ponytail man. Thus, he nods and affirms and gives me sympathetic murmurs, but inside, inside I KNOW, with 100% certainty, that Matt's dialogue is running through his head.
He's just too scared to say it to me.
You have to appreciate that simple straight-forward-ness. My husband bears a resemblance, it balances out my over-thinking and anxiety. It's a good thing.
Oh this was so much fun. Those one liners really give a peek into the man's perspective.
Love this, especially the parts about the boobs. My DH to a t. Also, I'm kinda with Matt on any sentence describing a child that includes "But s/he's so quiet when ..."
hahahha!! totally!!! it's nice to have a no nonsense opinion around the house. even if you want to throw a shoe at it every once in a while :)
Loved reading that and realizing that we are normal. Things my husband does and said are normal. At least to us.
I agree with Matt on watching TV. It's COLLEGE football. Think of the kids' futures! I think Que would be a kick ass QB. Did you see the UCLA vs Oregon game? The Bruins are in need of a good QB and UCLA is a great school. Gee? I see him playing tennis. Ess? Volleyball. Babynater? Too young to tell, but I'm thinking hockey.
That is cute! I love boys and their simple thinking... sometimes.
Yeah, little nervous about that swine flu.
On those hateful comments: People like you enough to want to hate you or ruin your day, take it as a huge compliment!
My husband complained about the breastfeeding the whole time too. Gave him something to complain about I guess.
I think I've had many eerily similar conversations. What I wouldn't give to have a testosterone driven non-worrying male mind.
will mommies always be the ones who worry? I have my son's schedule in my head - what has he eaten for lunch and what does he need to eat for dinner to make it a balanced day? My husband has no idea..and when I was gone for a week, I shutter to think what the boy ate all week!
He does have a point on the chai, you could send your kids to school just on those funds alone!
I think Matt should start a blog-husband's support group. My husband will be VP. They can watch college football together, because OMFG with the college football. Enough already! Do we even care about two teams from the midwest with ugly uniforms??
Great post. I'm a worrier and my husband is also not so much a worrier. And yes college football is most definitely not TV. It's more like a light bulb...just has to be on.
So hilarious.
Unfortunately for us both my husband and I are worriers. There are certain subjects we don't discuss or we'll be up all night worrying.
Sounds eerily familiar :))
hehehehehe!! Just hilarious!!
"Fourteen pound cock blocker. Also, why does he get all the boobies?"
Love it!!
Better still: "will you stop thinking?"
he sounds awesome.
and an awful lot like my husband :-)
mine doesn't turn off the hall light (we don't have a hallway) but he does refresh my water for me if it's been sitting more than an hour because... hello... it's totally TERROR WATER if it's been sitting and growing BACTERIA and GERMS and the DEATH FLU. i don't think he gets it. ok, i know he doesn't get it. but he DOES it. and that's what counts :-)
Oh, he sounds like a keeper.
Brilliant post. It paints a lovely picture of a day in the life of your marriage. And I love that you used the term "cock blocker." Hilarious!
This is my first comment though I've been reading for awhile. This post required it, thank you so much for writing. This is my life. I have a 7 week old and I spent 2 weeks agonizing over binkies, to give or not to give. My husband may kill me.
I love reading your work.
I love this post. My husband also thinks it's not watching tv, if the kids are watching some kind of sports.
My husband loved the one about your TV being too small.
Poor Matt, he's so misunderstood. ;)
I get stressed about asking for a free cup of water too.
I hate to break this to you, new mom and all, but I think Matt is leading a double life. Here he's called Bob. It's so much more fun reading about my husband through your eyes though.
Leave it to a guy to make it all seem so simple.
WHY is it so simple for them? If I lived by that credo it would be a lonely life without friends.
But probably far less worrisome.
this was so cute to read. i'm scared of the dark too! and Liv co sleeps with us. that's what the couch/guest bed is for! lol
I don't think any husband's stress like we do....now that the kids are older his responses to their questions are more Homer Simpson-esque than I would prefer
"Do I have to get up for that?"
I think my husband is living a double life and is really married to two women: me and you. He's name must be Matt when he's with you and David when he's with me.
Pathetically, I make my husband go down in the basement to put the laundry in the dryer, when he gets home from the PM shift. He no longer argues. What a nice man.
It's thoughts like these that make me occasionally wish I was a man! ha!
I wish I could care as little as men do about SOOOO MANY THINGS.
While I read your blog because of the great writing on mundane life, mostly it's because you write things like "bitch" and "cock". And in the same post to boot!
your swear-like-a-trucker soul sista!
Matt is the male version of me. This is why every marriage should have one stress ball and one laid back person. Because two laid back people? The kids would never be dressed. Two stressed people? The kids would never be able to leave the house.
Balance is good.
Hilarious!! My Hubs says the same thing about our TV and College Football. I told him that if its all about the kids, then we can get a new TV when our 5 month old can say "TV". Guess what Daddy and Baby are practicing EVERY NIGHT?
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