I smiled and bit my lip. "Nope, sweets, just us, it's a little cold."
At some point, I suppose, I'll have to point out to him that not every one is a friend, some people are strangers and some are unkind. What will clue him in? When someone refuses to play with him? When an older child embarrasses him for being open and genuine? When he's mocked?
Or maybe not. Maybe that's my cynical, adult view of the world. Maybe if he continues to be open to every one, they will respond to him in kind. Maybe I should learn to be more like him. Maybe.
I had given the five minute warning when three older kids came walking across the grass towards the play structures. They were too big for this park, clearly intending to 'hang out' and talk, maybe sit inappropriately on the top of the tunnels.
"Friends!!" Garrett cried as he sprinted toward them. He took care to hold the back of his pants with one hand. His new 4T pants are forever sliding off his nonexistent baby bottom, but the smaller sizes leave his ankles exposed to the wind.
I saw them slow and hesitate, uninterested in talking to a 'baby.'
"Garrett freeze! It's time to go home. I already gave the warning."
"Friends momma!!" He paused to gesture towards the group excitedly.
"I see, just give them a wave. We can come back tomorrow."
He waved sadly, turned to walk slowly back to me and climbed into the stroller.
He doesn't have to learn today.
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Quinn brained Garrett with a hard plastic ball a few mornings ago. It wasn't casual. He has this meanie baby grimace that makes me back up a few feet. It involves clenched teeth and wrinkled nose. His whole face goes very rigid and intense, all of this being a lead up to violence of one sort or another.
"No mean face, nice faces, Quinn," has become a trending phrase around here. It's sitting at about number seven behind:
"Use your words."
"Do you have to pee pee?"
"Then, get your hands off of your penis."
"What does _______ start with?" (Oh yes, still.)
"No, thank you, I don't like it when you..."
"Do you need to take a break?"
They bother me - the face and the blow - because he's started hitting so much younger than Garrett did. It makes sense. He's taken his hits and pushes from his brother (and, far less frequently, his sister), but it makes me sad.
Guess what Garrett did? N-O-T-H-I-N-G. He raised his hand and then he screamed "No, thank you Quinn!! MOOOOMMMMMAAAAAA, Quinn hit me."
Yes, thank you, Garrett. I'm standing feet from your location. Message received.
There's hope.
Not ten seconds later, Quinn wrapped those same plastic ball attack arms around my leg and said his newest phrase in his best impersonation of Astro (five points for the cartoon of my youth) - "rwi ruv ewe." There may be hope for him as well.
Rwi ruv ewe too, babies.
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Mom, you rock. Just so you know though, I am keeping the photos of the kids blowing raspberries in reserve. For future blackmail. Thanks everyone! I made it to page one. I feel complete.
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51 comments:
I felt the same about my 5 year old. He used to smilingly give away his toys to anyone who snatched at them when he was 2. Now he's 5 and he looms over most of his peers... and, though he's still more innocent than I would like (or maybe I love it!), he can stand up for himself! You little baby will too!
I can't believe I FINALLY know one! The Jetsons!! "Meet George Jetson, his wife Judy, his boy Elroy."
I love the story about Garrett at the park. My daughter was the same way... until kindergarten when not everyone wanted to play with her. It was tough.
And now that I have the Jetson's theme song stuck in my head...lol
I don't know what it is with boys. Mister Man didn't hit much maybe because it wwas just him and I for so long. He is such a momma's boy. But Little Prince...he was just like Quinn with that stuff.
Now I have to worry about the shirt, stocky and solid 6 year old taking out the talk, lanky and OMG we hit the awkward teen years 12 year old.
Mister Man was like Garrett at the park. Everyone was a friend. Everyone was a playmate...
I knew the Jetson's believe-it-or-not?!
I'm glad you were able to avoid the park confrontation. Teenagers are mean and rude and horrible humans (I know, I have two in my house). I actually got a tear in my eye as I read...I just knew you were going to say something bad. I'm glad you didn't.
Oh, the wrinkled mean face. Elijah was a terror and at 13 still is. Such a temper. I learned to duck quickly when telling him no. My darling Lucas shows some of the same meanness. I'm convinced it's people being who they are...how else would I have three very non-violent children? After 13 years I still haven't become to effective in dealing with it.
As a firm believer in "you get back what you send out," I believe Garrett's open friendliness will net him much more joy than pain.
Such a sweetie, and I hope the world doesn't show him a non-friend too soon...
Too funny! Bereket thinks everyone is her friend too... school this fall will be a rude awakening I think. At a local playland last week another little girl spit at her and her unwanted attentions. That was a bit of a wake up call...
Why can't I write with the same universiality (is that even a word?) that you can?
Loverly, as usual.
I remember being at a potluck where there was a bunch of kids and Elliot was younger than the rest by a few years. Now when I was younger, I loved babies and never would have been blatently mean, so I stood by and watched them play in the sandbox. (he was around 3) Next thing I know this little girl says "hey Elliot, want to play with us...?" and he was so excited and started running over just to have the entire group take off running and leave him standng there by himself. I was shocked and just grabbed him and took him into a nearby playhouse saying "mommy will play with you buddy" and then sat on a little tikes chair and sobbed. It sucked.
I could almost cry at Amber's comment! I can't believe kids would be so cruel. I guess I've been living at my own little playground where all the kids are excited to find others there to play with, like mine are, too. I hope we don't have to learn otherwise any time soon, either.
doesn't it just make your heart swell to hear a baby say 'i love you?' my 2yo just started. it's fantastic :-D
This worry is at the top of my list. The clock is slowly ticking down to the time when I am going to send my darling son off to school. The problem is that we are outsiders here and I've already heard the whispers that the children will not be welcome. Of course, it has already started...
I love when they say I love you! Best thing in the world!
I love the "No thank you, Quinn!" Kudos for control, Garrett! And remember...there's always hope. Sometimes, that's all there is!
This post made my heart break, then go back together. How do you DO that?
It breaks my heart when older kids aren't kind to my kids. We've had a few run-ins where the older kids have refused to play with Graham so I do my best to distract him but I know that tactic won't work forever.
The friends at the playground thing is so hard. My son is shy. He wants to play, but he just stands and stares at the desirable child, hoping for some magic moment in which the child and he will immediately know each other and play together. Sometimes it happens, when the other child is particularly socially savvy. When he isn't, though, he doesn't notice my son, and then he runs off before my son can even muster the courage to say anything. It's heart-breaking. But since, once he knows another child, he can be very social and chatty, I have decided just not to fret about this (as much as we can ever not fret about anything).
Which is all a very long way of saying that you shouldn't worry too much about Garrett's gregariousness; it will often be counter-balanced by the needs and moods of other children.
My son was the opposite. He was always cautious and guarded with strangers. People used to tell me that's a good thing, but I would long for him to be like some of this friends who smiled at everyone and were ready to befriend the world.
Now my son is almost four and he's grown out of his cautious serious self (mostly), he'll introduce himself to everyone and go right ahead and discuss the day's events with them.
It makes me smile.
Five points to Kirsten!
To all of you, I know, few things bring me to tears easier than emotional cruelty and rejection of kids. These are tough lessons.
@Amber - Oh. Tears.
@MommyTime - I hope he will stay open, and be the kid that makes others comfortable.
Well, you are a good momma to protect your baby. I can understand.
Me, I guess I'm a bit more on the defense. If it had been me at the park, I would have let my child meet the teenagers, but kept a very close eye and ear. And if the teenagers got out of line, I would have ripped them a new one. Some teenagers are brutal but some are decent too. And they probably didn't want to play with a young child but they might have liked saying "hi". I dunno - I am not so much a "protector" as I am a "monitor". I like to let my kids explore their boundaries and figure out what they can and can't do, and just help them while they're doing it.
But, as for the mean face, here is one idea: don't tell him not to do the face. That sounds like an emotion. We can't control our emotions, but we CAN control our actions. No, he can't throw a ball at someone, but if he's mad he can feel mad. Just like when we're mad, we can be angry but we can choose to say a swear word or just say, "Oh nuts". Now, making a face AT someone to be mean, that's different. But just having a face that shows frustration is okay in my book. It may even be a trigger for you to say, "Sweetie, are you frustrated? Let's take a deep breath and count to 5. Maybe it will help us feel calmer."
Just an idea.
I feel like that about Gremlin - the openness and the hitting. Until...We got his class picture. He looked and said excitedly, "It's all my friends! And Molly."
Poor Molly remains persona non grata.
My little man is similar. Strangers are just friends he hasn't met yet.
It's wonderful and yet a little scary at the same time.
My youngest is about Quinn's age, and has started the angry baby face and the hitting as well. My other two were never like this - at least not at this age. I guess you are right....the result of being the baby with (in our case) two older brothers. While I am also grateful that my two older boys simply admonish him with a "NO HITTING PLEASE!!!!!!", even that wears thin after the 9000th time you have heard it for the day.
That is a sweet boy you've got there. Well both of them really. But Q will be that way too.
Isn't it funny to watch them hold the back of their pants as they run. It always makes me smile.
He'd get along just fabulously with my 5 year old, she's the same exact way. Always bums me out when she gets the cold shoulder at parks!
The Jetsons? I loved that show when I was a kid. I had a movie called where the Jetsons meet the Flintstones. AWESOME.
Izzy is a hitter too. It is tough teaching him to play nicely, because he is just modeling his big sister.
these are the things that break my heart...when my babies get hurt and i can't fix it.
Garrett sounds so sweet...
I totally understand how you feel about Garrett. My little man is the same way. We were at a neighbor's house who had other, older, friends over. Isaac tried and tried to talk to them but they just kept ignoring him. Finally, he said, "hmmm.... I guess they aren't going to talk to me." I said, "it looks that way bud, it's pretty rude, isn't it?"
I don't know if the parents heard me or not and I'm not to concerned about it! I tried to make it a 'teachable' moment by telling him how you should be polite, but I didn't want to make him feel bad about it. I was more offended than he was!!
i took Oscar to the park the other day. the only other kids there were some delinquent teens who outweighed me lying on the slide kicking sand.
he kept wandering up near them, clearly hoping they'd ask him to play. broke my heart.
Sweet Garrett! Esme is learning that lesson. She had her heart broken by an 8-yr-old boy - not trying to be mean, just embarrassed by all her attention and the "girlfriend" comments. Those tears were so sad - I can't imagine how I'll handle adolescence.
We lived for four years saying, "Just don't make it worse" with regards to Parker.
It almost always got worse.
I don't want my girls to learn about the cruel, cold world either.
Gotta love the Jetsons. And I just looove hearing things toddlers say. The epitome of innocence.
My oldest is EXTREMELY sensitive... and comes home every day from school with the daily "friend" report. I always hear about who played with her and who didn't - and I can see how much it affects her... though not as much as it affects me. My heart breaks every day.
I HATE the word "penis", I don't know why. I'd much rather tell Tyler to keep his hands off his d**k, but I don't think it's a good idea.
Anyway, I think it's great that Garrett's so open. I was just thinking yesterday about how stupid kids are in that they mock, ridicule, and do their best to be in the "in" crowd. I wish I could explain to all those kids that, when you're older, you'll realize that it just doesn't matter.
Awww! I will be his friend. That made me feel sad too.
Some days I just want to wrap my kids in cotton wool. They are so naive and open to the world and will run off to make friends with anybody. Unfortunately, it seems like this just makes them more likely to be the target of teasing and/or rebuffs.
I do try to direct them more towards much younger or much older kids. It's the peer group that kills.
I believe it's better to be Garrett and want everyone to like you and be your friend than to be angry and close minded about the world around him.
He may be hurt someday because of it but it sure will help him recognize those that are truly worth his friendship.
Hallie
I wanted to cry when I read your story about your little boy at the park. Kids can be so mean and I understand how you wanted to protect him. I would have done the same :-)
there are definitely lessons to be learned but all in due time
I see you there on page one. I hope you keep climbing on up.
First part of this post about the playground had me laughing at your descrip of the older kids sitting on top of the tunnels. It is so universal. Some older kids have almost completely taken over the park by our house.
They learn soon enough, my friend. Or too soon. My son is 10 and he gets picked on far more than I would like. He's a gentle soul, and I worry about the toll it takes.
rwi ruv ewe stories. (Yes, I know I mangled that...)
I do remember those days when I worried that other kids would pick on my kids. I knew it would make me want to go postal! Fortunately, as they got older, they gravitated to nicer people. And there is power in numbers.
As for Quinn, my youngest was far more violent and frequent with his attacks. I thought he'd never grow out of biting others. Once he bit his brother on the back and broke the skin. I was ready to take him to the funny farm then.
You are such a great mom to let him have his magical childhood just a little while longer! Good for you.
Hey, I'm going to feature you as one of my favorite bloggers for a BettyConfidential.com article. Can you email me a short blurb on your blog? I thought of YOU right away when this came up! I haven't had time to read much lately but hope all is well!
Ahhhh...I hate the feeling of wanting to shelter my daughter from all cruelness in the world and at the same time knowing she has to face the music on her own someday.
@TexanMama I've been meaning to respond to your comment for days because it really struck me. I try really hard to validate the kids' emotions and be clear about unacceptable behaviors. I have to admit, I have been thinking of the 'mean face' as an unacceptable behavior - probably because it's always followed so quickly by a strike of some kind - but you are absolutely right. It's really the expression of the emotion and it should be 'okay' to show anger or frustration (without the physical action).
Thanks! I really hadn't thought of it like that.
I should have known, but I had no idea what a universal feeling this was - fearing for that dawning realization in our open, little loves that not every one will 'like' them.
Really, of course it is, I still hate finding out someone doesn't like me, even knowing I have a strong personality and that you cannot, ever, please them all.
Thank you for your empathy.
Oh, I'm with you on trying to avoid some of the ugliness of growing up. And ummm have you ever bought the adjustable waist pants? We refuse to buy anything that doesn't have them. They rock.
Yay to Garrett... and ummm yeah. Hitting. Mean faces. We're still working on that one. I need to be home with the wee ones more for that to work though.
great post - Nice view into his view of the world...
Friends!
The way you string together these little stories is so great. I love the way it paints a portrait of your kids, and your life.
Also, your number 6 phrase just gave me an idea for a much better way to handle the 3yo tantrums we've been experiencing here lately. I knew there was a reason I liked you!!!
(p.s. It's me! My new identity!)
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