Picture minus thirty minutes.
Me: Okay, we're going to go for a walk. Let's all pee pee, please. Ess, you first.
Ess: (in a whine that could possibly cause my eardrums to explode or kill a large cat) I don't have to pee pee.
[[From here forward italics = a whine that could kill a large cat.]]
Me: Try.
Ess: I don't have to.
Me: Try. Come here Cue, let's check your diaper.
Begin game of keep away with Cue.
Ess: Mommmmmaaaa, I all done.
Me: I'm coming. Gotcha. Are you smelly? No? Good.
Ess: Mommmmmmaaaa, I all done.
Me: Okay!! Gee, let's go, it's your turn.
Gee: I don't have to pee peeeeeeeeee.
Me: Try.
Gee: NO! I don't have to peeeeeppppeeeeeeeee.
Me: Try.
Wipe and wash Ess. Put Gee in front of toilet.
Me: Okay, let's get our stuff on. Ski pants first, Ess.
Gee: Moommmmmmaaaaaa, no pee pee coming.
Me: (mid-baby-ski-pants wrangle) Okay, just a minute.
Ess: Is this the right foot, momma?
Me: No, other foot, boo.
Gee: MOOOOOMMMMMAAAAA!! NO PEE PEE COMING!!!
Me: Okay, pull up your pants and come out here.
Gee: Mooooommma, I want you.
Ess: It's not going on, my boot is stuck.
Me: Gee, just pull up your pants and come out here. Here, Ess, push down. Hard.
Gee: NO. I want you.
Me: Ess, sit on your bottom. I'll be right back.
Picture minus twenty minutes.
Gee runs around the kitchen island holding his ski pants. Ess cries about her boot. Cue has one boot on.
Me: Gee! Stop!! Now!!
Cue: Shu!! Shu!! Shu!! Shu!! (repeat, without pause)
Ess: I need help. My boot is stuck.
Me: Just let me get Cue's other boot on. Cue, hand me the shoe. GEE!! STOP!! IT!! NOW!!
Gee: I'm hungry, can we have a snack?
Me: When we get home.
Ess: I want a snack.
Me: When we get home. Okay push. Ouch, please don't lean on me like that, it hurts. There. Gee over here please, let's get your pants on. Put one foot in. Please don't lean on me like that, it hurts! Good. Zip. What is that smell? What? Cue! Did you?
Picture minus ten minutes.
Diaper change complete. Cue has pants, mittens, coat, boots. Ess stands in front of the door, down four steps, dressed to go. I am helping Gee put on his boots.
Me: (pulling at the boot) Cue, go backwards down the steps.
Cue: Big blank baby smile.
Me: You'll fall to the bottom, go backwards. Gee push, you have to push down with your foot.
Gee: I'm hungry.
Me: Me too. I'm also sweating. Put your boot on! Ess don't push passed him, you'll knock him down. Cue sit on your bottom. Go backwards! Wait!
THUNK.
Me: Shit.
Gee: I'm hungry.
Me: It's okay, baby, it's okay, did you bump your head? GEE! DO NOT RUN AROUND MY KITCHEN WITH YOUR BOOTS ON! Oh, it's okay. Let's get a tissue. Owie.
Gee: Momma, put my hat on.
Me: Okay, just a second.
Picture minus three minutes.
One handed hat installation. Cue stops crying, no visible damage.
Me: Let's go. Everyone outside. Climb in the stroller. Don't step on Cue's hand. Great job. I'm going to grab the camera.
Cram peanut butter bar into my mouth because, for the love of God, it's been forty freaking minutes. Grab three more peanut butter bars.
Ess: Momma, can we have a snack?
Me: Yes, if you smile for the picture and you sit nicely in the stroller all the way to Starbucks.
Gee: Do you need coffee, momma?
Me: No, I need vodka, but coffee will have to do. Okay, smile. Say CHEESE!!
Them: CHEESE!!!
Click. Click. Click.
Picture plus thirty seconds.
Gee: Momma, I have to pee pee.
That's not the thousand you were thinking of, is it?
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67 comments:
It's past 10pm. I have an 8 am exam to study for. I'm behind on reading blogs. I see that you have a new post and I think... damn, should I study or read AnyMommy's post? I click and I am totally glad I chose your blog over biomechanics. Your kids are so adorable! And your vodka comment had me cracking up. Hope you had a pleasant walk to ... Starbucks ::shudders:: I used to work at a cafe and Starbucks customers annoy me.
This is a G-rated Benny Hill sequence. Crazy.
Maybe the best thing about dealing with all the potty issues at once will be that they'll pretty much be over all at once. Maybe?
Oh my gosh, I almost peed MY pants I was laughing so hard. You are too funny with that vodka comment.
Sara J
You know what to do when life gives you lemons - don't you ?
forget the lemonade -add vodka
very cute post - I was living it there with you - hope you got to starbucks in one piece
Never fails. I can't tell you the number of times we are in a place with a bathrom conveniently located and then we leave and when we are in the car NOWHERE near a bathroom,
"Mommy, I gotta go potty now!"
Ahhhhh!!!!!
God love you...you are a great mom! Hugs to you and yours..
Oh I've been there!!
You were going for a walk? Like as in...you walk and push, they ride? Save yourself the hassle. Shirt, pants, socks and big giant blankets wrapped around them. Maybe a hat although it looks warm enough to go hatless. All that snow stuff is too much hassle if they are just going to sit! Vodka....in a fews months my dear I will make sure a nice bottle is delivered to your door. Are you a Grey Goose kind of gal? :)
You know what struck me most about that whole sequence? It's that praised be to the weather gods and the stars above that I don't live somewhere where we need snowpants! Who knew back when I was 20 and highly ideological that the real benefit of living in Israel would be no snowpants...
I swear that children have this uncanny nature to ALWAYS have to use the potty at the most in-opportune time. Every - Single - Time.
At least you got a great photo, right?
And I'm right with you with the alcohol... 9 weeks and counting. In fact, my dad isn't allowed at the hospital without a concealed cup of red wine... seriously.
I've never had kids with snow suits. You just made my day! :)
At least you see the humor in the situation. Great post!
hahaha takes me aobut 30 mins to get my toddler ready and then we play outside for 10 because she gets cold... ahhh the things we do as parents.
funny ... it sounds like my day plus one ...
except i'm totally in the clear for adding vodka to my diet.
husband came up with the great! idea! of taking! the girls! outside! to play!!! (so that mommy could do the dishes and laundry!)
he totally forgot the pee before pants rule. and i didn't remind him. i think he learned.
Classic. I'd love to hear your rendition of what happens when mom needs to make an important phone call.
You owe me three hundred and fifty nine words, lady!
Also, I shudder to think about this with one more darling little one added to the mix!
You are a very brave, strong woman!! :)
Priceless! And so totally relatable. Everytime I have to wrangle a five point restraint over a winter coat and a wiggling child, I curse the winter!
Good for you for getting them outside. Starbucks lust knows no limits!
awesome. I run a dayhome. Sometimes there's 9 kids under the age of 5.
I feel your pain. REALLY!
LOL!! And that's exactly why I don't get out much :)
I am sitting here exhausted from a sleepless night and reading this put me over the edge to exhausted. How do you do it? What could possibly be delicious enough at Starbucks to go thru that? It was worth it for the picture.
Well, it was exactly what I was expecting. I would have been mad if it ended any other way. Wouldn't have been fair. :-)
And that is why there are days when we just stay inside. It's also nice to know other moms tell their kids they want to drink...mine's bourbon, not vodka. My six year old asked me the other day if I wished I had some bourbon. It was great.
I'm sorry to say this sounds all too familiar! We don't do much winter walking...
I'm cracking up over this post! Your pictures always look so effortless--I love hearing the story behind the photo.
That was so funny (and also why we don't play outside to often).
ooooh, it's a side-by-side triple!!! love it!
and can i tell you that i am PETRIFIED of potty training. i am secretly glad that my 2yo has no interest in it yet.
It is so like that around here! Hope the Starbucks helped...
Oh my god. Next winter you'll need a four seater stroller. Hopefully the peeing will have gotten under control by then!
Isn't it amazing how hard it is to get a small child out of the house? I've only got two and it takes all I have to get it done. Kudos to you for doing it with three and one more on the way.
Gee: Do you need coffee, momma?
Me: No, I need vodka, but coffee will have to do. Okay, smile. Say CHEESE!!
I am actually laughing out loud because 2/3 of this is my house every morning, and it's enough to make me want to lose my mind. I don't know how you do it. You must have much more patience than I do.
OMG! I have to hand it to you. I'd need something much stronger than vodka. In awe over here, in awe.
lol. I always sweat when getting my kids ready too. and I could use a vodka most of the time
I have been babysitting a 4 month old as well as having my 2 and 4 year old and I have this experience pretty much every day. Except for the winter clothing. I hate the potty thing after you have nagged them it drives me nuts. Oh and then when you are out you have to find a bathroom that you can get your stroller into - or take all the kids out of the stroller and hope to God they don't touch anything.
yes and yup and haw! i taught the two year old class at my preschool for two years and learned a lot about trying to get 12 two year olds to do ANYTHING. you are a great mommy. you could be sitting in a closet crying:)
Holy Moly. HOLY. MOLY.
I guess you can take heart that it WILL get easier? Right? And that, after the baby is born, you CAN have vodka?
:)
Winter is so exhausting. I can't wait to put away all that gear!
I love the picture! But I am really tired now...must go lay on the couch!
I hope you are taking care of yourself....as much as you can!
My goodness!
If that were me - Mrs. Frustrated and Impatient - Hubster would come home and find me rocking back and forth in a corner saying "Red room" repeatedly.
Hi there, I just stumbled across your blog and spent the last 20 minutes cracking up!!
As a mom to 5 almost 6 kids I am pretty sure that I have had that conversation about 900 times.
I have found a way around that now though, I just don't take them out of the house! Sunshine and fresh air are overrated anyway!
Thanks for the laughs!
Jillienne
[13:15] briwhisnan: never
[13:15] briwhisnan: never are we buying a stroller like that
[13:16] dlb97: ha
[13:16] briwhisnan: is there gonna be a sidecar this summer?
[13:16] briwhisnan: like indiana jones
ohmygob. thank you for the chuckle. and the snort. and the giggle :D
Aaaaaaand this is why I live in California. Where the sun is always shining and the school system sucks. We don't even own snow pants, hats or gloves.
:-)
I can't quite imagine wrangle 3 - my arms are usually full with just one.
I loved the post.
Well, maybe I haven't missed out on my chance to experience this motherhood thing.
Sounds an awful lot like herding cats, and you're never to old to get started doing that!
While I feel for your frustration, I thank you for the laugh. And no, those were not the thousand words I'd envisioned. :-)
See, this is why I force my children to stay indoors until Spring, and I don't even live in a place where it snows.
It's been sunny here, and my children are behaving like animals who have been caged all winter long. So am I.
P.S. totally saw that last one coming!
the only thing that would have made your afternoon more perfect would have been if cue shit his pants ten minutes into your walk.
gotta love 'em!
This exact scene happens in my family, except being spoiled in CA with no snow, the whole thing plays out in a lot less time. After having been to the snow for just a weekend...I think I'd go insane with all the bundling every time we go outside.
ack, that was torturous just to read! once again i am reminded about why i'm not rushing the potty-training. i guess it'd be bad to put them back into diapers, huh? just to get thru snow season? i hope you enjoyed every last drop of your vodka. errr, i mean java.
Oh my gosh - that is SO my day!
Such a cute photo and an adorable story. I swear one day you will look at this story & laugh.
HUGS!
Unsurprisingly, that IS the 1000 I was thinking of.
aah! Daily life truly is a juggle isn't it? Too sweet.
Oh,you are really a good mom.;D
And i'm sure that god loves you a lot..That was such a funny one.;D
You made my day friend.Hope to see more from you.
You know how people have indoor cats?
If I was living where you are living I would have indoor children.
We would never leave the side of the litter box.
You know... the whole time I was giggling to myself "and in just a few months she's going to be wrangling a fourth one" -- ohhh I can't wait until then ;)
Love the story!
Oh man!
Just reading this made me exhausted.
Having 2, 21 months apart, I can empathize, but 3 tots in the snow. Whew!
I'm going to go find the Vodka.
(It's too late for coffee.)
I think the answer is simple here....you need to stop trying to leave the house. :)
Just remind yourself, it will get easier. They won't always be this small and needy. One day they will all be in school and then you'll miss them. Really, I swearz.
Dude you should see if Starbuck's will deliver.
I would love to see you in that picture after your morning of outing-prep (haha). I think this is why, with only 2 kids, I don't get out much. If I had to do the whole winter-wonder-wear we would never leave the house.
"So, honey...what'd you do all day?"
"Fuck. You."
As I am forcedrinking coffee myself, I soooo appreciate this entry. I have only the two...and no snow suits, thank the grand poobah. You must be a goddess. I would launch them into orbit. I'm sending positive caffeinated vibes through this message. Hutch
That is the widest stroller I've ever seen. Where will the new one go -- in the back seat?
okay, i dont' know... did you sneak into my house and take your notes for this post or did this really happen to you too? I totally was unsurprised by the ending. saw it coming from 1000 miles away... just like last night when i asked j if he had to pee at intermission. nope. but of coures he did have to pee 10 minutes later when i had to walk out in front of everyone to take him. sigh.
love it! but don't listen to the commenter saying stay home. out is always better - they're distracted.
you need a preschool stroller - big red plastic 6-seater. that'll give you room to separate anyone not getting along...
also, possibly helpful hint from my husband's childhood: on vacation (always driving), my father-in-law would give each of the 4 boys a pop bottle in which to pee. gross! but you could probably hide one in those snowpants...like an external catheter! :)
how do you not have gray hair? I felt a few of my hair follicles die just from reading this post.
So hilarious. Love it.
I love this! I was cracking up!
Soooo funny! And I can so relate to the madness!
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