Originally, I wrote one long, introspective examination of why some relatively small issues about preschool were REALLY getting to me. Keeping me up at night and making me sweat, etc. Writing in my notebook, I realized that some of my angst was valid and some of it was rooted in unresolved anger over incidents that occurred during the disruption of our adoption. There are certain, sometimes awkward, concerns that are important to me as the mother of black and white, biological and adopted "forced twins." Other issues are mine to let go.
When I turned my thoughts into a post, the damn thing was so long (even for me, shocking, I know) that I broke it into three loosely related stories, organized chronologically. Posting the first part on its own really broke the flow of my thoughts. It is a painful memory, but I failed to see how sad and still mired in that time I would sound because I had the whole Rise and Fall of the AnyFamily Preschool Saga in my head.
Good lord, that's a long way of saying - wow - I just sometimes don't feel like I deserve the support I get from my friends who comment here. Your compassion and willingness to listen humbles me. If some of you were thinking, does she really need us to tell her that this is all okay again, well, I don't blame you.
Here's part two of three. Right? Good thing I broke the epic saga into parts.
***********************************************
I have begun to dread pick up at the in-home Spanish language preschool that Saige and Garrett attend. It is the same every Thursday. The knot ties itself in my chest as I approach. I wait in the car until the door opens and they spill out.
"MOMMA!" I get squeals and hugs from both children. My daughter is bonded to us, as we are to her, I have no doubts about that. But the next few minutes never fail to make me sweat. I am thrown backwards. I experience some kind of post-traumatic-anxiety-stress disorder.
Senora B beams at me. "Oh, I just enjoy Saige so much. She is so good in class, she loves to sing, she loves to answer questions."
"Uh huh," I stay noncommittal. This weekly refrain is overdone and I am beyond making excuses for it in my head. I am done pretending that this is a normal conversation to have about a three-year-old girl. "She can be very sweet."
Garrett is tugging at the teacher's sleeve. He senses the inequity, I know. He has started to drag his feet before class and cling to me. Maybe it's not connected, it could well be unconnected, but I hate it. I hate that he feels the need to beg for equal attention. I hate that she is oblivious to the obvious facts, they are siblings, they are competitive, her gushing, superfluous praise is helping no one, least of all my daughter. Unearned praise is cheap indeed.
"Oh, she is always sweet."
"No three-year-old is always sweet," I say.
I can't help it. She is an experienced preschool teacher. Why can't she see? Why can't she treat my daughter exactly as she treats the other children. The same as she treats my son. Saige is securely bonded to me. We have, I generally feel, very few remaining attachment issues, but she is, like another child I once knew and still, on some level, love, a masterful little manipulator. Oh and yes, yes Senora B, I have noticed that she is black and cute in a fairly non-diverse area. That does not make her poo-poo non-smellyishious. Let's move on, shall we.
"She can be a pill when she wants to be." I keep my voice light, I am trying to give her a gentle clue.
Her incredulous look dashes any hopes I had of easing the situation subtly. "Oh NO. I can't believe it. Not Saige."
I walk away. I have to walk away. Again, really? Really, you can't believe it? You work with three and four-year-olds for a living. You can't believe that this child, this toddler, has rough moments?
I expect this occasionally, from strangers. This dramatic attention. This gushing praise. It is an odd reaction that some people have to our transracial family and our beautiful brown-skinned girl. I can't help but assume, these days, that there is a certain level of discomfort hidden beneath the effusive reaction. The perverse trouble-maker inside of me longs to answer the undercurrent, instead of smile and accept the socially acceptable words at face value.
From a preschool teacher, though, I expect more. Maybe my standards are too high, but I feel that a person who teaches children for a living should operate above and beyond compensating for the perceived injustices of the world through one fairly privileged child. Also, it effects my family and pisses me off.
The next week, when I pick them up, Garrett is in tears. Strangely, he is clinging to Senora B's leg and doesn't run to me. I can see the conflict and devastation in his small face.
"He had a very hard day," she tells me. "He wouldn't listen at all. I gave several warnings, but I had to give him a time out. He's been very upset ever since."
My heart breaks right there. Possibly, it's a coincidence, but I don't believe it. I think he acted out to get her attention, to feel special. I think negative attention sufficed, in the end. I hug him in the car and hold him tight. He sits in my lap all afternoon, refusing to leave my side. His clever brain is both awed and horrified by the power of his negative behavior.
"We love you, baby," I tell him before bed, "no matter what, even when you need a time out at school, we always, always love you." His face crumples again, he's been unable to tell me about what happened all day.
I rage at Matt for a while after bedtime and he listens patiently. When I calm down, he's direct and on point. "They shouldn't stay there. We can finish the year, if you want to, but that's it. It's weird. She doesn't get it. It's not healthy for Saige, it devalues praise, and it's awful for Garrett."
I know. It's that simple and yet so unbelievably frustrating. It's so small, seemingly so easy to grasp, and so important. That is what I have to keep reminding myself, over and over, as we face even more time at school next year. It is important. It is not all in my head, I am not crazy and I am not making problems up. It might be subtle, but it is important.
Monday, March 16, 2009
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61 comments:
You are such a good mommy, and I am in awe. You have so much wisdom about child behavior, attachment and development, it's more than obvious that you've done your homework. This is what I "specialize" in, so I know a thing or two here, and I am impressed. Impressed by your knowledge, but even more impressed that you cared enough to learn what you have. I wish more parents were like you.
Beyond your obvious factual knowledge is something I value even more: the intuition of a good mommy. Listen to your gut. It rarely fails you. Combined with that knowledge you've learned (sometimes the hard way), it's a wonderful compass.
You totally rock.
Your instincts are/were so right on. All of your children are so lucky to have you.
I really do NOT understand your situation, my only having one child at a time in any grade. But, from the standpoint of a teacher, is it possible that she's trying to forge a good relationship with you & your husband, the parents of her two pupils? If you dislike her now, how would she come off if she said to you, "Wow, your daughter is a real manipulator!"
My point is this: I'm sure she is not oblivious to the fact that children can and do have different personalities for their parents than they do for home. But maybe she's just trying to enjoy your daughter as much as possible.
Maybe I am reading between the lines or maybe I"m just slow, but are you saying that she is overcompensating for your daughter's skin color by ignoring any negative behaviors she has at school?
And, for bias for your daughter over your son, I agree that is wrong. It is harmful to his psyche. So, have you told her that? Possibly she doesn't even consciously do it. If you have told her and she hasn't changed, shame on her.
The feeling I get from your post is that, because of your negative experience with X, you are going to have a hard time ever finding a preschool situation that you're comfortable with. I hope that changes because if you don't enjoy your kids being at preschool, they will pick up on it and they probably won't like it either.
Forgive yourself. Allow others their failures. Try to move on. That's the only way to get through today. And tomorrow. (cheesy?)
As a mother of twins (who are younger than G & S) I find this really interesting. I see shades of this in my own family. There is always a comparison. Not at all the same as what you describe - but a minor variation on that.
I think that you should really explain all of this to the teacher even if you do take the kids out of the school. I'm sure teachers are bad students (like doctors/patients) and she may take it personally and act like you are crazy. BUT it gives her teh opportunity to learn something and maybe it will be something she can use in the future.
You have a lot to teach Anymommy!
You probably won't believe this, well maybe you will, but.....
My own parents (Dad, Stepmother) did this with my two children who were not twins; they were 3.5 years apart. Everything my son did was wonderful, he was the best, they weren't comfortable with my daughter, etc. They would ask to see my son, but not my daughter. I finally put my foot down when she was a little over a year old and told them if they wanted to see one grandchild, they had to see both. Well, I didn't hear from them for a while. But I stuck to my guns and slowly, my daughter grew on them. No, she wasn't the first grandchild, but she was the most winsome, bubbly and beautiful granddaughter they would ever have. Even now I don't know how we produced such a beautiful girl, inside and out. My son is a love, too, however since he's now in college I suppose I shouldn't refer to him as a "love". But hey, I'm his Mom and I get to say what I want.
I think Matt did a good job of summing it up. Ultimately, you both are reading the situation and making the best decisions for both of your kids.
After reading the comments so far, I'd agree with trying to talk to their teacher about what you are observing, but I also think - follow your gut. It knows what it's "talking" about.
I believe there is a preschool out there that will be the right place for your family. Not every place is a good fit, and your intuitive parenting (and your husband's - I think it's great that you're both on the same page) will help you find the next one.
Man, you put some heavy stuff out there. Not sure what to say...you are definitely one of my favorites so I don't want to piss you off. Hmmmm. It is quite possible for her to like the girl more than the boy. She is an educator, but she is human. I have taught. Some kids just stick~hard~and you can't help, but praise them more. Too much. And you can't help it. Maybe she has this great bond with your daughter, and doesn't realize she is too attached to her....attached so much it is hurting your son. Also, we have kids 2 to 19....girls and boys are way different in education and development. Could be she is just much easier so there for more fun to teach. It happens. Really. Like my Elijah. I love him to death, but he is a pain-in-the-ass and the teachers hate him. They really struggle to say something nice even when he deserves it. It will not always be a bed of roses. My other thought was why are they at a Spanish Preschool? They could stay home and learn Spanish with you? In my own personal experiences I have found that all the "right" schools and special extras really don't make a huge difference in the end....Yes..don't everyone freak out...sometimes a certain child may be some great success as an adult because of it...but most of the time...we are who we are no matter how early our start was. If this is causing you stress then bring your babies home and play Legos all day. I promise, they will get just as far in life. Life is not a race to see who can be the "best" the fastest...it is a journey to enjoy and love. If you are a good person it doesn't really matter if you are a doctor or a store clerk.
Gosh, I just love you and hate that you are so uncomfortable about it. Your husband is right...if you are struggling just end the struggle. But do remember...kids can be the same age or ten years apart...they are different and therefore they will be treated differently. Just as we are all treated differently as adults. Maybe your son is learning the bigger lesson in the end.
I'm a very firm believer in listening to that little voice in your head. If it's telling you that this situation isn't a good one, isn't meeting the needs of both of your children, then something needs to change.
Would a larger school where they'd each have a bit more space to find their own niche help? Or just a different setting? I'd say sit down with the teacher and have a heart to heart, but in all honesty if it's already gotten to the point where you're dreading pickup then it's probably way past time for a change. Even the "perfect" school isn't perfect if it's the wrong one for that individual child (btdt...).
You're a wonderful, caring, connected mom. You'll know the right course to take.
xox
I'm getting a sense of just how much your followers love you (I measure "philos" by the degree to which one is willing not to blindly agree with one's friend, albeit lovingly).
I also feel that you owe it to the woman to tell her very directly what your concerns are, if you have not done so. Depending on her maturity as a human being and an educator, this may mean pulling the kids out before the end of the year. But, in the end, condemning someone without ever confronting them with the evidence of the crime you fell they've committed is unfair. (And again, you may have done this. And the subtle clues you describe giving her don't count. Frankly, some of us aren't good enough at picking up on subtle for that to be effective.)
Wow. In this process of waiting to see what my family will be, I fear missing this stuff as I awe over how wonderful my new baby is. I hope God gives me your mommy sense and courage. Thanks for sharing these stories.
You sound like such a smart mommy.
I only have one so life is simple right now, but I hope to be wise enough to handle it if/when we expand our brood.
so ... you decided this one isn't gonna work for you ... you are the only people that can choose what is right for your family. (this coming from a woman that just wrote an entire post about fate taking over controls) ... i say next time ... you need to be proactive ... go to the school ... tell them the background ... you are the person that knows your child. that is what is important. educators only know what they've been taught or learned over the years. go ahead and start teaching ... a good teacher will welcome your input and be open to your knowledge.
i can't help but be astounded by how amazing of a mama you are ...
In the sad, sick world we live in, some people think adopted = poor pitiful thing needs extra attention. That may be the case with Senora B. I do think the issue should be addressed with her. Gently let her know that at home, Saige is treated no different than if she had popped straight out of you like Garrett and that you expect the same away from home. Explain that Garrett is feeling neglected because of her overwhelming desire to perch the poor little black girl on a pedastal. Seriously, it sucks that people are so shallow as to not see that Saige, and most other adopted children, aren't posed with a handicap that should be caressed with sugar for the rest of their lives. She's a normal child, in a normal home with a normal family. WTF is normal anymore anyway? However, on that note, I think you should be prepared for the reaction you will receive when/if you confront her. It could definitely go more than one way. She could take it to heart and learn from it, but I wouldn't bank on that. Or she could become offended and think something truly outrageous like you are just taking up for your BIRTH son because he is your "real" child. Unlike the poor, pitiful little black adopted girl. Trust me, I know she'd be full of shit. I do. But some people just don't see family without birth. Unfortunately, that's the way this crooked ass world spins. All you can do at this point is go for it. What have you got to lose, really? After all is said and done, you'll take your REAL children...all three
(almost four!) of them...and go home to your REAL family. She'll still be living in her poor, pitiful, adopted world of oblivion. I don't need to tell you what a great mommy you are. Shallow Senora's are all around to prove that to you daily.
I'm constantly amazed by how vigilant we need to be to protect our children - their person, their emotions, their moral development.
Keep fighting. It's what we do.
From my husband's experiences teaching college and my experiences tutoring, I have several concerns about some teacher's abilities to form complete sentences, much less understand relationship dynamics and not play favorites or preferential treatment. I can't even imagine being in your position. Have you spoken with their teacher about her behavior? I know it would be difficult to find time to speak with her privately, but she could be totally unaware (clueless) that her behavior is hurting your family. I think your husband is right on. It isn't healthy for your kids to stay there with the current situation. Many hugs for you, this is a tough situation.
Thanks for being an such open book with this situation and your feelings. I find it quite interesting. Did you express your feelings with the Pre-K teacher? If so, and she made no attempts to change, then I'd understand wanting to pull them out. In the end, do what you feel is right for your kids.
I think the people who said you should talk to the teacher about your concerns are right on. She may not realize what she's doing... which is also a problem, but if you don't say anything you're not helping the next family with twins (not that it's actually your responsibility to pave the way for other twin families).
That being said, it's preschool for crying out loud, and it should be fun. Sure, it's nice they learn a foreign language and get to play with other kids...but you're smart enough to figure out how to do that in another setting.
And your kids deserve a happy mama. They probably know you're fed up with the situation, and if S is the clever pill you say she is, she knows it grinds her brother's gears, too (and we know that's not good, either). Pull them if that's your gut. Or, pull one and keep the other in... have "Special Mama Time".
Trust yourself. That's the bottom line.
Ah, this one hits closer to home for me. Last post, I felt enormous sympathy, but this one I can personalize. Oddly, I feel prepared and always on the lookout for the kind of "special" treatment others who have trans-racial families sometimes get -- I did all the reading pre-adoption, it happens to my friends who have adopted, I even find myself wondering if I can talk to a random family we see out and about who's kid is most likely adopted (I've never worked up the courage to do that, which seems idiotic). I've practiced the standard snappy responses in my mind ("Of course she's 'mine'!" and "Where is she from? We live here, in Portland.") But either 1) it hasn't happend to us yet, or 2) I'm way less aware than I think I am and I've missed it. Maybe it's because Portland's a fairly diverse/open to international adoption city, or maybe because Lulu looks...well, bi-racial, I guess, so people may assume she's my biological kid. But posts like this, people like you, keep me aware and at the ready -- we'll do anything we can to protect our kids, all of them. I get it, and thanks for sharing.
What about different classes? Is there a quantity discount? Do they offer the class more than once/week? It cuts down on the time you have to accomplish nontoddler activities but it might help your stress level.
I trust your instincts beause you're living it. Period. I do like the idea of you sharing your concerns with the teacher. Wouldn't it be ironic if she didn't like S. and was over compensating? ok, I'm nosy too, would love to have you discuss it with her and then post about it. Of course, launching you on the poor woman is probably very unkind of me. I must still have some leftover Feb. blahs but I am intrigued by the possibilities of that dialogue. Don't mean to make my comment too flippant but I don't really worry about your kids too much, not with you for a mommy.
That sounds really, really tough, but you know to listen to yourself. Matt is right on with his view--get them out of there to a school where they are treated equally. And definitely explain to the teacher why you're doing it. She needs to understand that the bias she's showing, whether it's simply a girls-vs-boys issue or a more complex "exoticism" issue because of Saige's race, is not acceptable behavior for a teacher. Of course there are students that a teacher will like more than others. There always are. But to ignore normal behavior is not OK and you're right, no toddler is perfectly behaved at all times. (Frankly, I'd be worried about one who was!)
i usually don't read comments before i comment, but i did this time. i understand having favorites in the class. everyone has favorites. but to bring it out so obviously, that's unfair, especially when you're this little and praise is everything.
i'm glad you and matt are on the same page. that's the only thing that matters. you shouldn't have to explain these basic principles to a pre-school teacher. i agree with having a conversation with the new school, but to bring it up to the current teacher? what other kind of awkward would it become?
Wow! and {{{hugs}}} So, so hard. I assume you've been direct with her...told her the things you've shared here? If so, and it continues, you have to change. Still, maybe it would be worth sharing with the new place. There can be a hundred different reasons why someone would favor Saige over Garrett, her color or adoption may not even be it (although I would go with your instincts). Still, in the end it doesn't matter. It's not good for her, it's not good for him. My heart just aches for you. That would hurt any mommy.
What it comes down to is: irrespective of the reasons, she should not be talking like this in front of Garrett. No child should ever be made to feel less sweet, less cute, less good, less loved than another, especially not a sibling.
I take my hat off to you for your insight.
Arg, I'm just getting here to read all of your comments and I have to leave for a busy day. I have so many thoughts and I'd love to turn this into more of a conversation on many levels and points. If any of you are interested, come back and check in later, okay?
S
I have a neice who is 6 months older than my 5 y/o daughter, Alison. Their lives couldn't be more different - her mother is drug addicted and in prison, she's never met her drug dealer father, she lives with my in-laws and is treated as a burden by people who don't have the best parenting skills to begin with (this said by their son, not me).
People compare them constantly, and always have. My mother in law gushes over Alison and complains about cousin L, right in front of them. Yes, L. is a pain in the ass but that's because she has serious issues and needs some help she probably won't ever get. But damn, I feel sorry for her. It's to the point that I rarely get together with them anymore because as much fun as they have, L. SUFFERS afterward by being berated for not being more like Alison.
And YES Alison is a pain in the ass in her own right, but they don't see it, and they probably never will.
All that to say, it may seem small but it's NOT. Not to have someone Gee admires treat him like he isn't valued. That can wreak havoc on a child's sense of self. It could also cause serious rivalry and between them, and no one wants that. Have a one-on-one talk with the teacher away from little ears and see if she improves (my MIL honestly doesn't CARE if it hurts L). If not, get them out of there!
Wow this is tough situation to deal with. I know teachers have their favorites for whatever reason but to do so at the expense of the other children is wrong. You need to do what is right for your children. That is the most important thing.
I always wonder about people's intentions when they come up to Bunny. Very few people ever ask if she is adopted or if they do it is because they know other adopted Chinese children.
But there are days we cannot go anywhere without getting comments about how beautiful she is. As her mother I belive she is the most beautiful kid on the planet. But I also wonder do they say this because they think she is exotic or "different". She may have had different experiences than other children, but she is not different and should not be treated as if she were.
I agree that teachers have favorites....for whatever reason. I was a teacher before I had my kids, and I most definitely had favorite students, and students that drove me up the freaking wall. Despite that, I NEVER would be that obvious in my preferences. All students get treated equally and fairly, and to praise one student while blatantly ignoring another is cruel and unjust. I would do as others have said and have a heart-to-heart with the teacher.
Now, another thing that has been on my mind since reading all of the wonderful comments on this subject....
I have 3 biological children (all boys) and my husband and I have always toyed with the idea of adopting a daughter some day. That being said, when I am out in public and see a family with a child that is obviously adopted (and to be honest, unless a parent comes right out and says it, race is usually the only clue), I am guilty of making comments such as "She is so beautiful". I don't do this thinking that the child is perfect....because no kid is perfect. I do it because I am interested. I am intrigued. Not in a gawker-sort-of-way, but in a "Wow, I want to know more about it because a part of me wants what you have" kind of way. I see a little girl from China or Africa, and a part of my heart melts because I don't have a daughter...and I want one. I see yours, and I DO think she is beautiful, and I dream about someday adopting a daughter just like her. So, I will think twice about how my comments might be taken in the future, but please know that not everyone is intrigued just because your children look "different" or "exotic".
I truly hope the preschool situation can be worked out....ALL of your children deserve to be treated equally and with kindness.
preferential treatment sucks. youa re quite wise to realize why gee was acting out. dude needed some love! if one of my twins was getting more attention than the other, it would not go unnoticed and she would act accordingly.
The teacher needs to get a clue. My neices are black and adopted and I love them dearly, but their mom thinks that because they are, they deserve more attention and praise from everyone, including the grandparents. This causes the same kind of hurt and I get so furious because the grandparents have a hard time catching on that it effects the kids a lot. They are twins and she is so worried about one getting more attention than the other and made the comment about how one was so much more favored. I made the comment that both are the favored of the grandchildren and she said she was sure it was only because they're black. I wish she'd get a clue.
I will admit to not having read all the comments carefully. I think it could be precisely what you suspect: that there is some kind of guilt or pity or over-compensation subconsciously motivating this teacher's effusions about Saige. It could also be a matter of personality -- that something about her just "clicks" with the teacher. I know several parents of twins who have purposefully put them into different classrooms at school for precisely this reason, that since a teacher is not a parent and may not always be conscious of sibling issues in a classroom, it is best for siblings to be in different rooms.
On the other hand, you are absolutely right that as a teacher, she should be more aware than she is about the issue of over-praising ANY single child in her class in front of others who are not getting similar praise.
If I were you, I would pull them out too. And, I would explain to the teacher why after it was a done deal. But do be sure that that explanation focuses on her behavior without trying too hard to fathom her motives, which could be more varied than you own sensitivities let you see.
Hola.
That's some heavy shit in the comment section. Man.
I don't have any advice. I know whatever you do will be right for your family. Because you will make a ten point plan and evaluate all of the different options and maybe even a flowchart. Because you are a good and thoughtful mother and you take it all to heart. So there.
YOU are the one in your child's corner. If you don't do what feel right in your heart- then you'll regret it.
do it.
Ahhh, I don't know where to start. If it was me, I would
1. trust my gut
2. drop the kids off at my place on Thursdays and
3. probably not talk to the teacher.
If it was a situation where there was no other teacher, or they were staying in the school with a different teacher, I would say talk to her. But this is a one day a week pre school class. You don't need the crap Senora is already shoveling, and you also don't need the crap that will come with trying to explain the nuances of racism in America and the experience of transracial families.
If she asks, then maybe you broach it. But if she doesn't, I would say nothing.
And I know you will find other school situations that don't have these same dynamics going on and then you can put that adorable red headed boy of yours in a place where people know how great he (and his sister) are!
I am with Matt on this one. He is right, it's not good for either of them. Also, I'd put them in different classes. It'd be better for both of them. For lack of a better word, they are like twins and they each need to know they are special in their own way. Having them apart would be way better. Have you looked at Montessori?
My oldest is a charmer. It's her outer way of being. It's almost a coping mechanism for her. It's when she gets comfortable with people, that they see her. A pre-school teacher should know the difference.
Stacey you do deserve these nice comments. All of them. Truly. Because you might be the sweetest person I know right now. You are putting yourself out there and it's not an easy thing to do. You rock.
I've got to agree with PyschMamma and Issa; you're incredibly wise and insightful with your children, I'm amazed - and Matt is right. If you feel that uncomfortable about it, get them out!
I'd figure your only other option is to try and speak with the teacher privately, but honestly I don't know whether that's worth it!
Hang in there, babe.
Oh, this is an interesting conundrum. Here's what popped into my mind while reading - of course, just an opinion: Logistical nightmare notwithstanding, maybe this environment is good for S but not for G. It's great for any child to feel special all the time (even if it's vaguely unwarranted some of the time!). Perhaps your struggle with the situation is based on the perceived inequity between the treatment of your two, equally important babies. I can imagine, that in your adoptive situation, "diversity" is brought to your attention often. The irony is that - even as folks are trying to show how they value your family structure - it can unbalance the profile of your two eldest (those in direct sibling competition).
On the one hand, the teacher's behaviour shows up the (increasingly irrelevant) non-homogeneity of your family. On the other, it diminishes, by proximity, the specialness of G.
If G could go to a different pre-school, where he could shine on his own merits, perhaps this would be just the thing?
As the mother of a single child, whenever I perceive that she isn't getting the special treatment, it rankles. To see her being out-shone by another of my kids (were I to have one), esp. one of the same age, that would really be untenable.
Oh you are so not alone in this... but you handle it much more ummm indirectly than I do.
Little Miss sounds like Saige in that everyone thinks she can do no wrong. And I correct them on that gently, too. Mister Man has to seek his attention -- he just doesn't have that special spark that she does.
And everything is laid out plain when my SIL comes to visit and her daughter ignores Mister Man (who she used to baby sooo much when he was the only) to play with Little Miss -- completely dismisses him. And he knows she doesn't like him as much as she likes Little Miss. And I tell her to her face and to her mom that she can't blatantly favor one child over the other and how it makes them feel. At least *I* feel better after that.
Ugly situation for you, and I hope that the negative attention is shortlived. Just me but it's my personality in a situation like this -- I'd have a conference with her to talk through the issues. Good luck!
Go with your gut, it's a mama's best asset. But personally I would express my concerns to the teacher. Maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing, and nobody has ever told her. "Experienced" doesn't automatically mean she is any good at self-evaluation or that anybody has ever offered her any feedback. A person can always improve and maybe it will help someone else's child down the road.
Very important. Follow your gut. You are a great mother.
ditto on what others have said-- follow your gut, & also talk with this teacher, if only to get it off your chest. your anger is completely understandable towards her insistent obliviousness. I totally feel for you & the pain this is causing your family.
Hmmmm. I say trust your gut.
I think you owe it to the teacher to talk to her about it. I know that most preschools don't offer separate class options for twins. This isn't really the point of your post, but I fought hard to have my twins put in the same class in kindergarten, and was talked out of it. I tell you what though... separating them was the best thing for everyone.
I realize I just totally contradicted myself. I said to trust your gut, then I told you about how wrong my gut was. Feel free to delete this comment.
nothing specific to offer, but i enjoy reading your posts... much to think about as a one-day parent and even more to think about as a speech therapist.
These comments are challenging and conversation-worthy and, as always, respectful and kind (thank you!).
It's not my intent to single any one out or make any of you feel that I objected to your thoughts. I did not. I felt both validated and challenged to be better. If I spend a lot of time answering you, it's because you made me think hard.
Two things were gumming my brain as I tried to make decisions about our current preschool situation and also choose a program for next year. First, I definitely have pain and anger and grief to resolve from the past and some of that is for me to work through, possibly with a licensed, highly paid professional. It certainly should not be dumped on a hard-working teacher. That said, there are issues that are crucially important to me as Saige and Garrett spend more time at school and it's my responsibility to seek out the right environment for everyone.
The fact that some people gush over Saige is a hot-button issue for me. As a member of the adoption community, I know I am not alone in this. Many, many transracial families struggle with the intense comments about beauty and/or sweetness that their children receive. I don't automatically reject comments about Saige's beauty/personality as disingenuous, but there is a certain level of specific attention focused on Saige and her looks/behavior that makes me uncomfortable because I feel that it is connected to her skin color or "differentness" and not her actual beauty, inside and out. I absolutely do require that this type of attention be absent from her schooling environment and I avoid it or dismiss it in public as well.
@Psychmamma and many others mentioned that as parents we need to listen to our guts. I agree. Parenting intuition is so important. One of my struggles, in this situation, is that I ignored my gut for a while because I felt that I might be overreacting based on old emotional scars. Also, you know, anytime you want to tell me I rock, well (blush). Mostly, unfortunately, I muddle, or maybe I rock but more in the sit like a lump for people to stub their toe on sense of the word.
@TexanMomma I honestly don't dislike this teacher as a person, but I have decided that I dislike her style, at least with my children. It is clear that she truly does enjoy my daughter and that is okay. It's even okay for her not to enjoy my son as much. It's not okay for her to show it (as you pointed out!)
I didn't mean to make you read between the lines, I am willing to say it straight out. Yes, I have almost three years of experience with parenting transracially and I absolutely 100% think this teacher is overcompensating for my daughter's skin color. Not by ignoring her negative behavior, by over-praising expected positive behavior. I've watched this class. All the kids sit in the circle, and sing, and help clean up and look for praise from Senora B for their actions. Only Saige gets the beaming report at pick up every day. Every single day. With six other children and their parents looking on. I've even had Matt pick the kids up (without warning him) and he came home and asked if the teacher is always that weird about Saige.
I truly know my daughter is delightful with this woman. She is delightful in all school type environments. She is cooperative, she joins in and listens and she, um sucks up to teacher, for lack of a better word. It's great and I'm proud of her. Buuuuuttttt, it's calculated. She gets it. She gets that she can play these situations, she gets that she receives special treatment from some adults because she is charming and she gets that some adults are more susceptible to her charms than others. I absolutely guarantee you that she is getting away with some things that the other kids are not. If you watched the class with me, I could have you spotting it in no time. I'd be willing to bet she's not cleaning up because she's "helping" teacher get snack. Or, she gets to keep a favored toy all the time, even when another child nicely asks for it. Or, she's messing with the other kids a little, taking things she knows they were playing with the minute they set them down and claiming it's "her turn."
None of that is fault of this teacher, nor is she expected to find fault with Saige where there isn't any. However, her unending praise of Saige's fairly average behavior is, I truly believe, out of line, even if it isn't based on her skin color.
I'm not saying this woman is a racist, not in the wince-worthy sense of that word. I absolutely do not think she sees minorities as 'less than' others. I do think she is treating Saige differently from other kids, based, in part, on the color of her skin. I don't know how to describe it any other way.
I will allow myself and others their failures. I don't plan to say anything at all unpleasant to this teacher. I don't think she's a bad person. But, I'm not going to allow her to continue to practice her particular brand of failure on my kids.
@Kate Two really interesting points. One many of you made, which is: Have I talked to this teacher?! No, I haven't. I've thought about it a lot and I'm not going to talk to her. She runs a small, private preschool, her way, and I'm going to vote with my money and my feet and just not return. I have a few reasons. I feel like I'm experienced with people who react to Saige this way and that she will not be open to what I have to say. I don't have any interest in a confrontation, which is possible no matter how diplomatically I voice my concerns. But mostly, I don't need to do it. This isn't a school I need my kids to attend. Preschool is expensive and it's private and I have shopped and found the situation I want for next year (next post).
I understand why many of you think I should talk to her - I realize it's very unfair to reject her as a teacher of my kids and ascribe motives to her actions without giving her a chance to understand a complicated situation. If this were a situation where I needed my kids to stay, or I was considering taking the problem to a higher authority (i.e., principal or more senior teacher) I absolutely would not consider going over her head unless I had raised my concerns with her and been ignored. It's just her. She runs an expensive, private niche school and I'm unhappy. Voting with my dollars, I guess.
Kate, Kirsten and others also raised whether my kids should just be separated. It's really interesting. I am starting to understand why most public schools absolutely recommend that twins be separated starting in Kindergarten. I will most likely separate them then. Right now, though, they are three. They really do still draw a lot of comfort and support from each other. I'm not ready to split them up and I don't think I should have to do it yet. These are once or twice a week classes with very young children, I really think the teachers ought to be able to grasp the importance of praising them all, equally, but for their own strengths.
Also, I don't find this situation detrimental only to Garrett. Being unable to attain the attention his sister gets is affecting him and I want the situation to stop. But, I would not leave her in this situation of undue praise alone either. It's not positive for her. She does, as K-line pointed out, deserve her chance to shine, but shining and acting like she shits gold nuggets are two different things. It's also affecting HER behavior at home. Hard to explain, but I'll try. Simply, she's throwing tantrums more at home and it usually involves behaving as expected, or as asked, and not getting accolades.
@Carolnab I do absolutely believe that this type of favoritism arises in families and I think you absolutely did the right thing not to allow it. I really don't think, at least at this age, that I can allow it in a school situation either!
@Gayle It's pretty hard to piss someone off once you've called them a favorite ;-) Seriously. I do hear you. My daughter is delightful. I adore her. My son can be a pill, no question. I know you are trying to tell me, gently, that you think jumping to race here is unwarranted because there are tons of other possibilities, including a general preference for my daughter's personality. It is possible, but in this case, based on my overall experience as the mother of a black child in this area, I disagree. Her preference for my daughter I could swallow, it's the constant, over-the-top praise, which I discourage with my words and by actually turning my back on it, that raises a red flag for me. I guess I also pretty strongly feel that she is failing at something that I think is important for a teacher of very young children. They need to hide it. Period.
After three years, calling it like I see it, I think the type of behavior this teacher exhibits involves overcompensation for "this poor little black girl" on some level. You would probably say that I am over-sensitive on this issue and some of the time you would be right. I would argue that you might be a little naive about how race factors into people's treatment - positive or negative - of children and some of the time I would be right.
Your last point - about it possibly being a good lesson for my son is a good one. Children are different and will be treated differently. Teachers have preferences and different styles. He won't jive with every authority figure he needs to respect. Life isn't fair. At some point, I'll expect him to take these lumps. When he is ten and his teacher prefers girls or athletes, or kids that sing in choir, I will tell him that we have to deal with all types of people and we can't be everyone's favorite. But not at three. At three, I truly think a major task of educators is to find these kids' strengths and praise them. Reasonably and evenly.
@Jeanne I agree. These comments are thoughtful and challenging and they come from true friends. As I've said, I see your point. I understand why I might owe her a conversation. I want you (and everyone) to know that I am not condemning her. I'm frustrated, but I will absolutely not be saying anything negative about this teacher or her school in our community. I can see how blogging so extensively about the situation might be talking behind her back and I'll take that criticism. I just don't feel a conversation will be fruitful. I think Robin expresses my feelings.
@Jen Funny you should suggest sitting down with teachers for next year prospectively...I did! After really working through exactly where my real concerns rest, I did! And, I was very heard and blown away by the receptiveness of the teacher who will have both my babies next year. That story is the third post. Stay tuned. (And yes, I do realize that I didn't give the current teacher this benefit of the doubt. That's not fair. Mea culpa.)
@Misty said it better than I did. Some people take one look at Saige and consider her a "poor thing." Their behavior towards her reflects this attitude. Which, girlfriend is not, by any stretch of the imagination. The child holds her own is all I can say. Again, Misty, you and so many others (Jenna, Akilah) are right, I'm not being fair to S. B. I haven't given her a chance to defend herself or to change. I'm chickening out in this situation and leaving quietly because I fear the second scenario you outline. But! I can be taught! I have taken next year firmly in my hands.
Pamela's point on this also resonates with me. I have failed to ease this situation for future twins or adopted children in her class. If I hadn't had so much of my own crap to wade through before concluding that there was a real problem here, I might have felt more confident. At this point, I'm going to be better moving forward.
@mam People blinding treating adopted children differently is a common issue for adoptive parents. I think - without dismissing any of the valuable comments here - that it's easier to identify as an adoptive parent and harder to dismiss the concerns as overreacting. I absolutely agree, the less "likely" it is that the child is the mother's biological child, the more free people feel to make inappropriate comments or treat the child oddly. There is absolutely no question that Saige is not my biological child and that reflects in how often I experience inappropriate (in my opinion) reactions to her.
@ Sandra. I definitely should not take my February blahs out on this teacher. Possibly, I shouldn't even have done it in a post. Stay tuned though, I did discuss this openly with another teacher and she has my heart and my kids for next year.
I think Ms. Changes Pants sums up why I'm not going to talk to this teacher. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but exactly, her favoritism, shown to such young children is not excusable in my opinion, regardless of whether it's a very simple preference or a more complex race/exoticism preference (as Erin brilliantly described it).
@ButWhyMommy really put her finger on one aspect of my concerns. She has an adopted daughter also.
"But there are days we cannot go anywhere without getting comments about how beautiful she is. As her mother I believe she is the most beautiful kid on the planet. But I also wonder do they say this because they think she is exotic or "different". She may have had different experiences than other children, but she is not different and should not be treated as if she were."
Uh huh! I feel as though this preschool experience is an extension of that concern and that Saige should absolutely not be in this environment, especially since she is so young. This is really interesting to me. I've been working on an essay for a while, entitled, "When Beautiful Means Different," that addresses exactly this problem. It is very common for someone to approach us and GUSH over Saige's beauty. It's complicated to respond as a mother, (she is gorgeous, of course), but she will sense the undercurrent (when it exists, it's not always there) as she gets older.
@Kira I hear you. Thank you for be willing to talk about this. People approach us all the time. I'm not judging everyone who speaks to me or asks about adoption or even comments on Saige's beauty as somehow 'racist' or even 'wrong.' I am very open to talking about adoption. Like most moms, I love talking about my kids. What I will say is that, if I am with all of my kids, an opening comment about Saige's beauty usually results in a noncommittal response from me. For example: All children are beautiful, aren't they? or Well, of course I think all of my children are beautiful. I've practiced these responses because most adoption literature recommends it for a few reasons: Adopted children tend to dislike being singled out as they get older; it increases sibling rivalry; and as a parent I need to empower Saige to diffuse unwanted attention if she wishes. But, if a woman/another mom approaches me and says "Your kids are gorgeous," I tend to be much more open to the conversation, which might include your interest in adoption, a subject very dear to my heart.
@Amber. Exactly. Your example perfectly demonstrates how favoritism affects everyone negatively (favored child and the left out child).
@MommyTime Beautifully said and all points are well-taken. Thank you. I do realize that her motives could be more varied than my sensitivities are allowing.
@phulmaya @vodkamom @caroline I've said too much already, just wanted to say thank you.
@K-line I thought about your comment a lot. Saige deserves to shine and I revisited in my mind whether this situation is good for her - and therefore I shouldn't selfishly pull her out due to my issues (not that you said that at all). I need to look at her needs separately from Garrett's needs! In the end, I do honestly feel that it's not good for her. She shines in many situations, ballet, swimming, in our family, without being targeted for unwarranted sunshine blown into unnecessary orifices.
I'm not sure about this rambling, disjointed response post. I wanted you all to know how much your comments mean to me. I think about them. All of them. These issues are really important and interesting in my world. You make me laugh, cry and think.
Oh my god. Did I just write a book? No one can ever say that I don't respect/think about the comments.
I was 8. My big sis was 11. We all (me, sis, and mum) went to have 'morning tea' with a friend of mum's. The friend said (in front of me) "Why is Mandy (my sis) so beautiful, and Lisa (me) so ..um..plain?" To mum's credit, she said "both of my kids are beautiful"..but ...as probably Gee is 'getting'...I knew what the reality was...one kid was getting major kudos over the other. It was very, very awkward. Later on, in high school, I had teachers actually ask me why I "wasn't as bright as Mandy?" No kidding. I think some teachers just don't 'get it'...they don't realize how much they can screw up a kid by doing the comparizon thing. I'm so glad you have had a talk with next year's teachers...it makes all the difference to have the cards out on the table.
Stacey - Your post is on point and I know everyone appreciates the time and dedication you take to comment. You know, that's something you should really consider...a book. In your SPARE time ;-)
Lisa L - I don't even know you and your post pisses me off. Not because of what you said, but because of what ADULTS have said to you as a child. Hugs to you, girl. I'm sure your older sister was probably a brat ;-)
Stacey,
I didn't know what to say to this post that others hadn't already said so well or how to ask questions that others had phrased more eloquently... so I will just say this: you are amazing. Your genuine thoughtfulness as a person and as a mom are really gifts, not only to your children but also to others. I only have the one child and doubt that we will add to our family either biologically or through adoption so many of the issues (both hilarious ie A Picture is Worth 1000 Words and poignant such as this post) aren't immediately identifiable to me. But what is always true is that I learn from you... I hope that I've never singled out one child from a family to say "oh, she's so gorgeous!" but I can assure you that, from now on, even if I did feel the need to do that I'd most DEFINITELY use your suggestion of "Your KIDS are gorgeous." It's just a sign of your generosity that you are willing to share the tough stuff with all of us so that maybe we will, in turn, make it less difficult on others. Love and hugs to you!
Beautiful posts. I love your writing--I even linked to one of your posts today--hope you don't mind-- (in a post along a similar vein happening with my kids) that I found while trying to find the posts about your adotpion disruption (which I had not read)
I'll also add, that I can understand, to some extent, the discomfort with the attention toward your daughter. My daughter is half-latina (Chilean) and bilingual but she has golden hair and blue eyes (the Hispanic version of dark and exotic). I feel like she sometimes gets special attention and way more comments about her beauty than I am comfortable with because of that (and more comments than her darker cute hispanic classmates)--if that makes sense.
I, too, have a diverse family. We have a biological daughter, an adopted son who is Hispanic, and another son who is African American. I have found similar situations where people focus especially on my youngest child and I have gotten the feeling before that they are overcompensating for some uncomfortable feelings they have with how to deal with the situation. One idea is to make a point of bringing up Gee's positive qualities to her and try to subtly get the point across.
All of your children are so lucky to have you and you will raise them to be strong, wonderful people despite some of these types of challenges that come up!
So much good stuff (tough stuff, but good stuff) has already been said by people who have a lot more insight than I ever could.
So I'll just say two things: 1) An important takeaway for all of us is being aware of what we say to people about their kids. We don't know what the situation is and should think before we speak; 2) I finally get why Thursdays are so stressful for you. I totally didn't "comprendo" and now I do.
ok - I did not read any other comments - but here are my thoughts - by the way I am a speech therapist who specializes in preschool ages - my experience is that some teachers have favorites - this woman is favoring your daughter and is oblivious to the consequences - Personally life is too short and I would not take them back .. period
Having only biological children, I can't really relate to the feelings you must have as having both adopted and bio kids, but I find that people tend to single out 1 child in a family, no matter what their genetic backgrounds are.
Oh! Justin is so smart!
Evan is such a ladies man. Watch out for him with that gorgeous face...
Corinne is so outgoing and loves to entertain!
All of those qualities are true, but having people relentlessly comment about 1 feature instead of saying "what a great thing you do. And you! And you, too!" I guess that is what I would prefer more of.
I try my hardest to make comments on all of the kids in a family or group. And I do my best to evaluate why I am saying what I say. Maybe because I remember being singled out as "a real heart breaker who doesn't apply herself" instead of my older sister who was "so dedicated!" and my younger sister who was "so tiny and adorable!" (which, at 30, she STILL is thought of that way. It's pathetic. Lil brat...)
Can I suggest that you write her an incredibly polite letter after the children are no longer in her school? You could gently inform her of your observations and opinions. No siblings should be compared in a classroom situation like that. And no child should be singled out as the "good" one.
i love that you love and cherish your comments ... and that you leave open to interpretation and thinking. isn't that really what this is all about? learning from each other? and about your comment to my comment ... i'm not sure that having that discussion with that teacher would have helped. sometimes there is just that something that makes the decision for you. and know that i'm going to be having my own personal discussion with stella's kindergarten teacher the week before school starts. primarily because there are gonna have to be boundaries with me in the school too!
You said so much that doesn't need repeating, but I wanted to validate you on a few points. I care for my niece who is 1/2 African and 1/2 Cambodian. I'm Caucasian. She calls me Mommy, so most people assume I adopted her (she's actually the biological child of my adopted sister). And, of course, I think she's beautiful. But we get the "beautiful" thing all the time. Usually right after she calls me mommy, which causes people to look our way, stare, smile and then say, "she's beautiful." And then, "did you do her hair?"
While this bothers me for ALL the reasons you mentioned, it also bothers me for other reasons. First, I'm not fond of the focus on beauty for little girls. Yes, she's pretty. But she's also smart, strong and incredibly resilient. In my opinion, her beauty has the great potential to cause her problems in the future as she figures out how to get along in the world without using the shortcuts her beauty may provide her. Second (and this is where those not familiar with this issue will shake their heads), it's as if the "she's beautiful" comment is supposed to justify or explain why she's with me. "Why would you do THAT? Oh, she's beautiful." And don't think the kids don't also hear the TONE in the comment. As early as 2 1/2, my niece would look at me after such a comment and say, "I love you mommy." As if she felt she had to show our "bond" to the public to prove our relationship was legit.
Anyway, I think your suspicions/feelings/instincts are right on. And I don't think it's your job to help S.B. be a better teacher in the future to some future set of children. We don't have to teach the world to sing every day. Take a day off.
I'm a little late on this, but Stacey, I think you're doing the right thing in getting them out. If talking to her isn't something you can do, it isn't something you can do. I would wonder if talking to her would make it better or worse for your kids for the rest of this year, as teachers can take discomfort out on parents as well.
I know its a different situation, but as a middle sister of a brilliant but depressive/bi-polar older sister, I got a lot of "you know you have it so easy compared to her, right?" and "you should consider yourself lucky you're not like D--". Its hard on both kids and adults should really be self aware of enough to realize what this does to the siblings. Their relationships are complicated enough.
Wow. You sure had a lot to think about. I just wanted to say that I hope my comment about future twins/adoptees in her class was finger-point-ish. That wasn't my intention.
I really admire the objective way you are able to look at your children. Maybe it's all your lawyerin' experience coming into play at home, but even if it's not, it is awesome.
This discussion is SO interesting and thought-provoking for me because it is amazingly multi-faceted.
Annje and PamS and a Rachel who have experienced intense attention on children with "exotic" features (at least in their communities) have both validated my experiences and made me think about how as a society, we place a lot of emphasis in general on beauty. I have no conclusions, but it would be interesting to compare, for instance, my experiences to that of a blonde/blue-eyed mom with an extraordinarily pretty bio daughter and then again to an African-American mom with an extraordinarily pretty bio daughter. I'm not sure where I'm going here, but it's intriguing.
@Rachel - Children, even very young children, absolutely do pick up on tone. Saige will hide behind me now or hide her face sometimes when strangers focus in on her so intensely. It is uncomfortable for her. I have no doubt that this type of situation will be what triggers our first deeper conversations about our parent/child relationship, what adoption means and her struggle to find identity and privacy in a world where she stands out physically.
Tracey and S - This is yet another fascinating topic on its own - the 'labeling' of siblings and the life long effect it has on relationships and inner worth. My Dad tended, from early on, to pick out skills in my sisters and I to praise. Like, silly example, my sister was "an awesome cook" and "really good in the kitchen." To this day, I consider myself terrible at cooking and often fail to try. It's a frivolous example, not life-altering, but kids really can be pushed into thinking about themselves a certain way or not wanting to try in school/a sport/etc. because they can't measure up to a sibling.
I read a great book on this called Siblings Without Rivalry. I need to read it again.
Pamela - Not at all. It's been a great discussion for me all around.
Still reading backwards. Wow, now the Spanish teacher doesn't sound so great. It's hard to know what really goes on from the feedback you get in the drop offs and pickups. The other day, Graham came home from school and all day, he was saying "Miss Laurie say NO, NO NO NO!!" We thought he got in huge trouble at school but he couldn't tell us (and his answers to our probing questions are always "yes", no matter what the question is. Today, I asked his teacher if he had gotten in trouble but it turns out, they were singing a song that had "no no no" in the lyrics. Oh.
I know I'm a little late to the conversation... but I thought I'd add my (little bit of) experience anyways :-)
We have good friends with twins adopted from China. They are very sweet girls, but (being blunt) not especially beautiful. Cute, as all children are, but nothing to write Ford Modeling about...
Anyways, we occasionally take them for the night or weekend when their parents want some time off and have for several years now (they are seven)... and it has always struck (stricken?) me as bizarre (annoying, cloying???) that when we go out people FAWN over them...
I can't tell you the awful things they've done in restaurants only to have the waiter say something absurd like, oh, no bother, they're SO SWEET... and GORGEOUS. Wait, what? Didn't you see her throw mashed potatoes across the room? Yes, OF COURSE she's getting a time out?!?!
They ARE sweet and I absolutely love them like family. But they're also children and they test limits and they have bad days and everything they do is not sugar and spice and covered in glitter - and it just confounds me what people let them get away with because they look different. UHG. Thank goodness their parents are totally down to earth!
Sorry for the rant... I don't think I even knew that was in me. LOL.
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