You gave me a lot of confidence. Or maybe, you reminded me why I have a lot of confidence. Things are going well for us and I don't have to justify myself to every person capable of a nasty head shake. None of us do. We choose whose judgement matters to us. Thank you. Truly.
****************************************
On to the pressing issue of the day. Our marriage stands on slightly shakier ground today than it did a week ago. Or maybe, slightly narrower ground. I think we've established that I'm not the most precise driver in the universe. I've hit things in the past. Big things. Garage doors. Telephone polls. Rocks that have been in one location for a really long time. And, remember how I told you that if Matt and I ever contemplated divorce, our garage doors would be the cause? We have a second ground and here it is:
The new gate to our driveway. Actually, the new gate opening to our driveway, the gate has yet to be hung. Matt finished the fence last weekend and called me out to swoon over his craftsmanship and tell him what a mighty, home-improving man he is. I had been watching his progress out the window. He really is impressive when he throws himself into a project.
I went out fully intended to lavish him with praise. In the bright sunlight, facing the fence and the new gate opening, I paused.
You can see the problem, right? I mean, we've lost football fields of maneuvering room. It's not like you can drive straight into our driveway. You're making a turn, no matter your approach.
Me: ?
Him: What?
Me: Why is it so much narrower than the driveway
Him: That's the size they make the gates. It's ten feet.
Me: It looks really narrow.
Him: That's the size gates are.
Me: No other size gate exists in the universe?
Him: That's the standard size gate.
Me: ?
Him: What?
Me: Why can't the gate be wider?
Him: Two words: SPECIAL ORDER. Besides, it would be way too hard to install.
Me: Why?
Him: Complicated. You wouldn't understand.
Me: Try Me.
Him: Gravity.
Me: ?
Him: The gate would sag.
Me: You are telling me with a straight face that no one in the history of fence gates has ever had to deal with a gate wider than ten feet. The wider than ten feet gate sag remains one of the great unsolved problems of the universe?
Him: Ten feet is wide enough. It's standard.
Me: Wide enough for a Mini Cooper, maybe. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not driving the thoroughbred of vehicles.
Him: If you're careful, it won't be a problem.
Me: And if I hit it?
Him: ....
Me: ?
Him: Don't. Don't hit it.
Me: So, we've spent thousands of dollars so that I can scrape snow off of the van while it's parked in the street? Next to our sidewalk with footprints in it. Classic.
Him: Practice. You'll get it. Besides, you can blog about it and spread your lies about me.
Me: What lies. I blog only truth.
Him: The Cookie Loogi Dance was complete fabrication.
Me: Was not. I still have sore stomach muscles from laughing.
Him: You exaggerated.
Me: Maybe a little.
Him: Ha! I didn't react that badly.
Me: No, you did. I meant the part about using drool as a weapon. That was exaggeration. Obviously. For effect.
Him: ....
Him: I'm not parking the van for you.
Me: I'm going to hit that right hand pole. I've already hit that rock twice.
Him: I might leave you.
Me: I would so win that case.
May it please the court, the parties cite narrow-gatedness and irreconcilable parking differences as the reasons that the marriage should be dissolved. I direct your attention to EXHIBIT A. The gate opening in question. As you can see, the aforementioned gate opening eliminates all possibility for even the slightest error in navigation. We contend that the Plaintiff husband's placement of the gate opening virtually assured that my poor client would, at some point, nail that freaking right-hand gate post, ruining both the gate and the marriage. Under the circumstances, we don't even feel it's necessary to show you EXHIBIT B, the behemoth minivan, or EXHIBIT C, the three screaming, hungry toddlers. We ask this honorable court and the ladies and gentlemen of the jury to find for the Defendant. She wants the house. With a wider gate. The kids are negotiable.
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39 comments:
Hmm, it is going to take a lot of practice on your part to get this right. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound cynical but I *do* remember the garage doors and now you park in the driveway.
Good luck, happy practicing, stay married!
I loved this post.
I can sympathize with your driving issues. There is no way I could maneuver through gate. My minivan has so many dents and scrapes it's embarrassing.
I keep lobbying for a new car, and my husband keeps pointing to my beat up van. *sigh*
I couldn't get through that gate either. Especially not in our extended minivan. I'd be sure to hit the posts. So I sure do sympathize with this post.
Happy navigating!
I especially love exhibit A. poor guy. he wouldn't stand a chance.
and why do those other things have to jump out and make you hit them so often?
Mekhismom - I'm not sure all the practice in the world can help me. But, the marriage will survive ;-)
MGT - My van is also very beat up, but I don't want a new one. I love that I don't have to feel guilty every time it gets a scratch. It's all character.
Trish - Extended minivan? What is this beast? Does it seat more than seven, because that would be impressive. I always thought our next option was a converted church van.
Luna - Exactly. Thank you for acknowledging that. Rocks and garage doors LEAP into my path.
And now, I'm going to be, far too late. The east coast gets up in three short hours!
I love that you and Matt speak in question marks and ellipses.
My problem has never been things at eye level so much as it has been curbs. Lots and lots of new tires and scratched rims in my world.
Since you have given us a proper demonstration as to why this marriage has dissolved, you get to keep everything, as for your husband, he can have the gates.
Btw, my husband always tells me that I am going to hit something, which is usally true because nothing seems to be too big or out there for me to not miss, but one night when he had been drinking and I was the designated driver he admitted "You know you're a better driver than me." ---let us please take a moment of silence...
Okay now you may return to your daily duties...
You definitely win. What judge wouldn't fault a husband that filled his house full of sweets when his wife was morbidly obese, or a husband whose liquor cabinet is full even though his wife has been jailed numerous times for drunken behaviour? Why couldn't he install a double gate?
He just blocked my email address from your server, didn't he.
You win. I could not do that day in, day out and never hit it. Good luck to you. I hope it's not as narrow as it looks.
I love your arguments to the court! Of course you would win! I'll start drafting the papers right now.
A cut and dry case for sure.
I do feel for you though. I've made public my inability to maneuver our giant car into parking places (like in parking lots). That sharp turn would be problematic for me...
No way, no how would that tiny opening work for me. It looks SO small! And 10 feet even SOUNDS small. Isn't a minivan about 15 feet wide?? (You ARE showing Matt all these responses as part of your argument aren't you??)
My thoughts (are you listening, Matt):
First, the fence is absolutely beautiful (I've said this before) and your craftmanship/DIY skills are to be admired. Now...ideas:
a.) Leave the gate off and just end with fence posts on either side of the (WIDE) driveway. If your concern is safety for the kiddos, you can get these mesh barriers that attach at each side of the drivway and close it off from the road. You'd just have to go out and attach that when they're playing out there.
b.) If you're closing the fence off completely for pet (or other) reasons, spend a little extra money and hire someone who HAS had to deal with fence openings wider than 10 feet and has solved the great universal dilemma - "Gate Sag." I'm with you - - SOMEONE knows how to do this.
Your marriage lies in the balance. Or at least in that narrow 10 foot gap in the fence.
The extended minivan still seats seven. But everyone has more leg room for added comfort. And there's this extra-large space at the back for your multi-child stroller and your groceries and whatever else. The van is so dang long that the back has its own heat and a/c system as a standard feature, 'cause the front controls would never make it back that far. We've used this beast to transport lumber, hardwood flooring, bunkbeds, etc. Terribly practical, but pretty tough to maneuver without lots of space.
It's like that episode of The Brady Bunch when Carole hits the guy in the supermarket parking lot and Bobby and Cindy thought that they would have to testify against her.
On an barely related note, I have the Chevy Trailblazer. The largest SUV ever to uncomfortably seat five people. My right front quarter panel is *shot*.
I am totally behind you there. I would never be able to make it through that gate! I think you have quite a few witnesses now :)
Ha! You are too funny. The roles are reversed in my house. My husband runs into EVERYTHING with his van. Yet, he insists that he is the world's best driver.
I must add: I just showed the first picture to my husband. He just stared at it, dumbfounded, and then said: "Oops". Yes, he immediately saw the issue.
have i told you i love you (in a non-sexual, non-stalking, read-your-blog-every-day kind of way)?
my husband drives everything like it's a patrol car. which looks suspiciously exactly like my brother's "drive it like you stole it" style.
the workmanship looks great! but why not have two gates that slide in from either side? two ten-ft gates equals plenty of room.
Oh no, that would challenge even me, and I pride myself on being able to park anything!
This is why my hubby isn't allowed to do anything without me asking a thousand annoying questions, and recording his responses. lol.
i didn't even have to read your post...i just saw that gate and thought...what the hell?...how is anyone supposed to fit through that thing?? i still read the post...you make me laugh.
when i was little i always thought people with gates and big fences (and semi-circular driveways) must be royalty. lucky you.
now...i just know that the semi circular drives are for those that might run into something
and
gates/fences...child containment.
Well. I think I'm going to say very little because I want you to still like me and I think that your (other) loyal commenters will swarm on me like I'm the head-shaking, cookie-offering idiot at the park.
So. Um, hope you have a beautiful weekend with your beautiful children. Stay beautiful, m'kay?
The gate does look narrow and the screaming toddlers don't help things. But as long as its clear out with no snow or anything, you should be able to make it with minimal damage. I mean who really needs side view mirrors anyway?
I thought I was the only one with questionable parking skills. When we used to live in our townhouse, I hit the wall in the garage about a thousand times. The first time I hit it, I went inside crying and my husband told me to calm down, that's what they make posters for, to cover holes. On a positive note, I was skilled in the art of drywall by the time we moved out.
It's nice to have a fence up for extra protection, maybe you'll need to wrap your van in bubble wrap until you get the hang of clearing the gate!
Loved this one! Grounds for divorce in our house? The stupid boat! I don't know why it is necessary to take up the entire garage all summer so he can fish once a month! Park is somewhere else, at work maybe? They have tons of space.
We have a seriously hard to navigate parking garage at work. At least 50% of the cars there have hugs scratches and dents from where drivers hit walls and poles. My forester is one of them. I refuse to take hubby's car there in fear of hitting something with it. I work from home if he needs my car for a day.
Again...as a professional in this field...the gate should not extend further past the lawn line and out into the driveway. It is a safety hazard as well as creates aesthetic disharmony.
The jury has spoken...in favor of the defendant...this court is adjourned...!
Oh, dear. Oh, oh, dear....
Um, rubber padding on the sides of the van?
Those posts would be toast if I had to pull in there.
Ya know what I hope? I hope your hubby hits the posts. Hee hee!
Jenny Girl - THat does deserve a moment of silent. I will never, ever hear that.
Psychmamma - Oh how I wish. He is a rabid doithimselfer. At all costs. We hired a general for the garage fiasco and he has sworn off help for all time. We do kind of need to gate it off - for a bunch of reasons soon to be discussed!
Trish - Interesting. I hadn't heard of that but I can see why it would be nice. We can barely fit a stroller in the back of our van.
Jen - Aha! Royalty. I wish. Child containment and we live on a really busy road. We're hoping to put a hedge on the inside and get a little privacy!
Maura- It's okay. You can like the fence. It's staying anyway.
Casey - It's only the fence that worries me. I've already trashed the van.
Collette - I hear you. Matt used to own a Jeep and I wouldn't breath on the damn thing. Although, he had to let me labor with our first child in it. Aha. If only that labor hadn't been 3600 hours, I would have LOVED it if my water had broken in his beloved Jeep.
Luanne - If only it were that easy. He is planning to fix the aesthetic problem. By narrowing the entire driveway with beds on each side. Sigh.
Dysfunmom - Oh God. I wish. That would make my decade.
You guys are seriously hilarious. Ummm...I'm just gonna ask a completely ignorant question. Can't you just put up one of those double gated...gates? This from the compact-sedan driver who hits the garbage cans in the two car garage where I am the only car.
well, congrats, you've done it againa, you made my Matt snort!
Uh oh. I don't think I'm ever coming to visit you or drive into your driveway. After all, he might blame me for any incidental damage *I* might cause and then divorce you, and I'd feel horrible.
Wow. So ummm, couldn't you just end the fence with no gate? Or do a double gate? [--] kind of thing? Yuck yuck yuck!
Oh yeah. Good luck!
hee, I like to revel in what he said and also remind him anytime that my husband says "Hey watch out for that car!"
*I also remind him that telling me how to drive while I'm driving only serves him right if I drive myself into a parked car (the threats don't work, but it's always fun to piss someone off that's pissing you off).
I got a little knot in my stomach when I saw the picture. Scary.
Oh, and what ever happened to "my ham-eating husband?" I miss him!
I'm right there with you Stacey. I would definitely hit it too. I don't think a jru or judge in the world would side with him on that...Exhibit A alone would convince them
And Tag...You're it
You've got my sympathy on this one. Then again, you're reading a comment from someone who recently brought her car into the auto body shop because she dented a door while driving through a mall parking garage with a screaming baby in the back seat. And two hours after driving away from the auto body shop in their loaner car, she peeled the front bumper (I think that's what it's called) off the vehicle by driving too far over a parking spot curb.
So my baffled husband offered to start driving the huge car to work (the sacrifices he makes) and I'm schlepping around two kids in a 1998 Jetta with 108,000 miles, no stereo and keyless entry that works ... sometimes.
Oh I shouldn't tell you this... I totally wrecked my car and our gate by backing out of the driveway in the rain. the whole right side of the car was scrunched and the gate motor was ripped from the gate. Just. Go. Slow.
I'd just start the divorce proceedings right now.
Bless you. That is one narrow ass driveway!
LOL! I have backed into so many inanimate objects! The garage door, the house, the fence, etc… I made the rule that you can’t put anything behind my car. If you do & I over/into it, it is YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU PUT IT THERE!!!
I have always had my title to my car in my name just so I can say, "Its my car & I'll run over/into whatever I want.!"
Wow... I'm pretty sure I'd hit that too (that's what she said). Couldn't he have left the opening 20 feet wide and install one gate on each side that close on each other in the middle of the driveway? Am I starting another fight by asking this?
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