The Editor's Letter by Sally Lee, Editor-in-Chief on page 12 has caused me to chew and swallow my own tongue. No, I jest. It's only a little mangled.
I've been trying to write a calm, cohesive response. So far, I'm unable to focus past my anger and disappointment. So, I've decided to post the letter here without my commentary. I would love to hear your initial reaction to it. Whether you've adopted or not, considered adopting or not, what do you think? Does it inspire shock, agreement, anger, guilt, nothing in particular? Be honest. I'm not looking to slam anyone's opinion here. If you find nothing wrong with it, I'd love to hear that. I need a little discussion and perspective.
Just so no one feels blind-sided, I am appalled. Despite our heartbreaking experiences with one of our adopted children, I adore and advocate adoption. I think it is an incredible and fulfilling way to grow a family. But, I would never write a letter like this, not to one person, let alone a readership of millions.
Tomorrow, after I've thought more about this and any thoughts you have, I'm going to post a response letter. I'm hoping that I will have deleted most of the expletives by then. Also, if you're not bored to tears by my issues, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts and whether they caused you to look at the letter any differently.
Here it is. Thanks!
The Editor's Letter from the August 2008 Parents entitled The Adoption Option.
This month's special report, "Adoption Diaries," profiles four couples who created their family through adoption. Each adopted under different circumstances, and for different reasons, but all are thrilled with the outcome. Read the article on page 90 and then find a good agency and adopt a child yourself.
No, I'm not kidding.
Though there are so many children in the world who need a good home, I'm confident that there are an equal number of families with love to spare. I'm also pretty sure that some of the best and most committed moms and dads in the world read Parents magazine.
Each year there are around 150,000 domestic and international adoptions in the U.S. I wish we could double that number. I know many of you have considered adoption: According to a national poll nearly 81.5 million people have, and 63 percent of all Americans think positively about it. Yet very few families actually do it. Some are afraid they won't love "someone else's child." Others fear that it's unpredictable, that a prospective birth mother might change her mind, or that a child could have unknown medical or emotional issues. Some parents worry that adoption is expensive (yes, it can be, but it costs less than a new car - and almost 8 million of those were bought in '07).
I know all about those fears. I'm a control freak, and when Rob and I first discussed adoption, we debated the pros and cons for months. We went around and around in circles until we finally realized we couldn't make this decision based on logic - we had to make it on faith. And that's what we did. Pearl joined our family in 2001, and today we can say with utmost certainty that adopting Pearl and the birth of Grace were the two most rewarding experiences we've ever had (or are likely to have) in our whole lives.
So if you are dealing with fertility issues, or if you plan on having another child, or if you're the type of parent who gets choked up about all the injustice in the world, then I'd urge you to take another look at the adoption option. Just believe in the transformative power of your love. I promise, it's enough.
/s/ Sally Lee (Editor-in-Chief, Parents magazine)
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30 comments:
I think that if you hadn't been clear about your feelings on this letter, I probably wouldn't have taken more than a second look at it. At first glance, it's the same call to action that we read from everyone with an agenda -- donate to charity, raise money for a cure, switch to greener living, adopt a child...
I looked at it again, though, and I tried to put myself in the shoes of a woman who had been trying to conceive, for instance, unsuccessfully. Or someone struggling with the notion of adoption.
I've never been there. Hubby and I are blessed with a daughter and another on the way, without a real effort on our part. It really is a blessing for us. I have a few friends who are trying but can't conceive. I realized that if they were to read this letter, it might just feel like a big old slap in the face. Just the same as if I had responded to their infertility woes by saying "Why don't you just adopt?"
Adoption is a personal choice for everyone; considering, as you said, the wide readership, it's probably not an appropriate letter to send out to the masses. Though I understand the sentiment behind it, and many may not give it a second look, there are many that might feel hurt, attacked, pressured, etc.
Goodness, this comment could have been it's own blog post.
imommy - thank you so much. I am so glad that I did this instead of just spouting off. Would you believe that I had barely even considered it from that perspective? It's an excellent point. I hope someone who has experienced infertility (or been affected by it) will leave their thoughts.
My own anger stems from my constant battle against the idea many people hold (outside of experts in attachment) that if we had only loved our son enough, we could have made the adoption work. I am saddened for families struggling with attachment difficulties to be told, yet again, from such a far-reaching voice, you just don't love enough.
I'll save it for tomorrow.
My first feeling after reading this letter was the same one I get anytime I hear a celebrity flippantly say something like, "I don't know if I want kids but maybe I'll adopt someday." It just makes me think - really, do you even know what adoption means? Do you know what parenthood is? Ugh - like, babies are cute aren't they, so give parenthood a try - its easy.
The "power of love is enough" crap - what the?
Yep, I get your point - write away sister.
Having read some of your posts in regards to your first adoption story, when I read the part about loving enough, I knew exactly what you meant. The entire tone of the letter seemed so flippant, made it all seem so easy. Just pick out a child and poof, instant happy, loving family. I am eagerly awaiting your response...
I agree. My aunt and uncle just adopted THREE SISTERS (9,11,12) and that was only after a long struggle. This letter makes it sound like it is as easy as going to the SPCA and getting a new kitten.
But I don't think it was her intent. I mean, she only has so many words to work with on her page and she wanted to get a point across. I just don't think she did it in the best possible way. It's an odd piece of writing, to be sure.
I am SURE she meant no harm by it. Honestly, it doesn't sound judgmental to my ears. I read it and reread it from my own standpoint (3 biological, no adoptions) and wasn't offended at all. She obviously has had a wonderful experience with adoption (good for her!) and is eager to share this way of family expansion with the world.
Anyone with half of a brain knows that adoption isn't sunshine and roses. But neither is giving birth. Women who expect perfect outcomes from either situation should be sat down and explained the real possibilities of birth defects, stillbirth, complications at birth, adoption disruptions, and children that were so institutionalized that they just never come back around, emotionally.
I think more time would be better spent lobbying for speedier paperwork. For less red tape. For children to get OUT of those orphanages and into a home before they become accustomed to the institution.
Having never adopted, but have a mother who is - I have an interest in this topic.
Although I agree with many of the comments posted, I also think that some people in this world are so closed minded or not accepting to change OR are afraid of something different that maybe she was trying to share that she adopted and reach that one perspon.
In keeping it light and fun, maybe she thought she could reach any audience.
I also believe, that there are many people out there, that have to let others believe that their lives are perfect. If I was an Editor 'n Chief and had a nanny and a cleaning person, than maybe I too would write a letter like that.
"Hmmm....honey, should we buy that Lexus or should we just go ahead and adopt? I'm really torn..."
Knowing someone who has had her heart broken three times while going through the adoption process makes me sad that the editor makes it seem so inconsequential. Seems very deceiving.
That last line really disturbs, doesn't it. Her promise that love is enough. Those of us who adopt and even those who have children naturally know it isn't enough. Honestly, I missed it with the first reading and wouldn't have thought anything about the article had I ran across it. But then again I am not one of the "best or most committed parents", since I quit getting this magazine years ago when I just couldn't live up to the standards!
Blessings,
Pam
When I read Lee's letter in my magazine, I found it to be a little disconcerting. It seemed like she was encouraging everyone to just jump into adoption and not really think about it. I don't think it's the right thing for every family and it takes a lot of thought and consideration. I see where she's going with it, but I feel that she treated the issue too flippantly. And looking at it from your perspective, I can definitely see why you would be angry. I think you should write to the magazine and express your opinion.
Truda
Thank you so much for these comments! It has really helped me. I did understand that she wasn't being intentionally hurtful or judging any one, but reading here has helped me to really read the letter as it was meant. I get that she had a wonderful adoption experience and wants others to understand and maybe help them to consider adoption more seriously.
Having removed myself from the center of the universe (;-), what that's not where I belong), I can definitely write a calm, positive response. I will still write a response. I still feel that her tone is flippant and her words are irresponsible.
Knowing your history, having my own history, I think it is a little glib.
My two-year-old nephew is adopted. The choice to adopt him when my brother and his wife hadn't yet tried IVF, the process of adopting, the remaining contact with his biological mother, the issues steming from her own family problems during the adoption...it's all so much more complicated than that letter makes it seem.
I tend to gloss over my own experience with international adoption because, even though our quest for adoption was ended by the joy of a pregnancy that wasn't supposed to happen, my heart still breaks for the child we couldn't, and probably now won't ever, adopt. It is an open wound. It hurts. I love my twins, but it still hurts.
I haven't looked at my August Parents yet. And I agree, that Parents is not the magazine I go to for in-depth, thought-provoking content. But I am disappointed that as an adoptive mother the Editor-in-Chief made it all sound so easy, so possible, so nonchalant.
I'm looking forward to your perspective.
Was Merry Sunshine editor talking about adopting children or puppies? I'm confused...
Wow, just wow. I can understand why you would be upset by this.
We created our family through adoption due to some fertility issues. It is not an easy choice and it is not an easy road to go down. You don't just say I'm going to adopt a baby, there is so much more involved.
While I am forever greatful to have been lucky enough to become a mother this way, I would never in a million years say that everyone should adopt. Loving enough is not the answer. There are serious issues with adoption that need to be adressed with both domestic and international adoption.
Right now we are starting our second and possibly third adoption journies and I plan on chronicalling honestly all the obstacles and hurdles we have to go through. It not always pretty.
Oh I could write so much more and probably will in a letter of my own.
Oh my goodness. I just read that yesterday, and when I got to the end, I IMMEDIATELY thought of you. She promises, does she? At that moment, I seriously hoped you didn't read Parents Magazine.
If the desitin doesn't work, I've got some BUTT PASTE you can use!
very Pollyanna, indeed!
you're on the right track.
-Kara
Ok, so I am one of those infertile couples that wanted a baby more than anything else from, oh, one month after I got married. 1 and a half years of marriage later we were told that conceiving a child would be a medical miracle even with artificial reproductive help. It was devastating but I had already looked into adoption and knew that was the path we were going to take. We went to an agency and were told that less than 1% of expectant mothers place their babies for adoption in the US. That includes all races and ages. The agency we started with I know has an adverage wait of 2 years and that is when the adoptive couple finds the expectant mother. Another couple we know waited 4 years to adopt from them. Now with the Hague convention in effect it makes it harder to adopt internationally which also typically older children. Foster care is great and any person who has the ability to love a child that could be sent back to their natural parents or some other family is amazing I don't know if I could truly do it. So I read this letter and it made me scared. What if every person who has ever thought to adopt did it, how much would it cost then (adoption is a "free" enterprise meaning that it is based on supply and demand and the supply for an infant is only 1%), also how could I compete with families who have all that money to adopt and already have children and have shown that they know how to parent and are already amazing. I don't know if a young couple that just wants a baby could truly compete with all of that. Last I wonder if that letter would truly cause a person to consider adopting transracially or from foster care (which is hard), or rather would there just be more people who want to adopt a beautiful baby that looks just like them. Adoption is NOT easy and it is not simple. You don't just walk into an agency and they hand you a baby. The homestudy is invasive and intense, the wait is hard and the potential of a problem is high, its not the cakewalk of love the editor made it sound.
Wow! If nothing else, the editor's letter generated some thought-provoking discussion here that I really appreciate. That said, I found the letter too flippant as well. The line that bothered me most (considering the mass audience it was distributed to) was the part that said:
"Read the article...find a good agency, and adopt a child yourself. No, I'm not kidding."
The first thing I thought has been echoed be other comments here: she makes it sound like providing a home for a pet. Sorry, but not just anyone should adopt a pet, and it seems seriously irresponsible to suggest that everyone should adopt a child. And, being "choked up by all the injustice of the world" does not make adoption the right action for someone to take. AND, faith and love are not going to make parenting peachy-keen whether it's an adoptive or biological child. Aarrgh!
After getting over my own initial reaction, I do realize the (hopefully) good intentions behind the piece and the fact that she had limited words to express her thoughts.
BUT, she IS an editor for pete's sake, and should be able to present her opinions in a much more responsible and well-worded way. She could have written about the fact that her own experience was positive without making it sound like "everyone should do it - it's easy!"
I would encourage you to write (maybe I will too - I'm a Parents subscriber) when you're calm and collected, and I'd love to hear your response.
This dicussion is incredible. Thank you again for taking the time.
I think I can sum up where I am after reading your thoughts like this: I've come down from indignant and pissed off to saddened and fired up. I've let go of adjectives like hateful, judgemental, ignorant and STUPID (which I realize truly don't apply) and I am left with flippant, unthinking, poorly-expressed, off-base and callous. I truly do think those apply.
Insta-mom, Murmur and Renee - thank you for adding your thoughts based on your experiences. It's not easy to write about these things and I am so glad you felt safe and willing to share them.
Andrea - thanks, this may require butt paste.
Psychmamma - You put your finger right on it. She is an editor for Pete's sake. Yes, she is entitled to write about the wonderful impact of adoption in her life (it's impact on my life has been wonderful too, I get it), but she has a responsibility to do so with more care.
I think that your letter could be a short version of the article you wrote (mentioning that your article has of yet to be published of course...)
As you saw, even my husband was emotionally affected by your story. It's a perspective that very few people would even think to consider.
Maybe you should offer to do an article based on your experience as well as that of others who have adopted older children (provide more than one experience - but still make sure that people hear yours).
I realize that it's entirely possible that you've already done this. You'll have to excuse me - I have this annoying habit of offering solutions when they aren't requested. I get it from my father - and I even wrote a post about it.
But I really do think that your story is more relevant than a letter that makes adoption sound like a very simple issue - I mean it's not like getting your dog from the pound! There are so many factors involved...
I'll be very interested to see your letter.
Here's my take -
like many of the other commenters, I think her intentions were good. Yes, she definitely sounds glib about a very serious and heartfelt decision, and she DOES sound like she's talking more about adopting a dog than a child, but I also think that she was writing to a certain audience with a short attention span and space, and made some poor choices with wording.
With that being said, I also believe that she has very little understanding of the heartbreaking issues that CAN occur with adoption, which you experienced. I think this could be a fantastic opportunity for you to educate people on something that is not acknowledged or discussed when the topic of adoption comes up. You are an intelligent and articulate writer - I think if you can overcome your kneejerk emotion (and I say that affectionately and kindly as someone who can rarely do the same) to calmly present your concerns about the way she presented adoption, you could really make a difference!
Wow. I'm way behind my magazine reading, so I haven't seen the letter yet, but sadly I tend to gloss over those little bits quickly, as I don't think that Sally really has much to add to any discussion the magazine is trying to have.
However, in reading it, I see where she's coming from. She was lucky and had a good experience, and she's thinking about all the kids who don't have a safe home or a family to love them. The ones who grow up in an overcrowded institution with substandard medical care. And then she thought about America the land of opportunity and wanted them all to find homes here.
Encouraging adoption is a good thing. But her three paragraph space is not sufficient space to adequately address this. Potentially she could have added an interesting perspective on what she went through -- via a longer piece within the magazine.
The cheerleading of adoption has its place, but not having any other sort of reality check behind it is somewhat irresponsible. Additionally, by making it sound so easy in a way it's judging those for whom it wasn't easy -- especially in causing a misconception for those who weren't "there" and didn't see how hard the parents tried and how much effort it took, regardless of whether it was a good placement in the end or not.
My two cents - and only hoping that my few paragraphs weren't too short and didn't end up unintentionally offending. But yep, a counterpoint needs to be made in the letter to the editor.
As a mother who relinquished a child for adoption, I find it despicable.
The only injustice present in my daughter's adoption story is the way my daughter and I were separated unnecessarily. Her parents didn't save her from an injustice.
I was 22 years old, entering my senior year of college, an honors student, employed, and engaged when I relinquished.
I am now parenting another daughter... and I'm a perfectly fine mom.
There was NO good reason for my daughter to be adopted. NO good reason for me to abandon her. And yet the infant adoption industry helped convince me there was.
So yes, I'm outraged that a woman who apparently knows nothing of the loss and trauma side of adoption would encourage a readership of millions to "help solve the injustices of the world" by adopting--with NO qualifications on that statement--as if adoption itself is an inherently just and noble act. It is NOT. It depends on HOW the adoption is carried out.
What IS just is helping other people when they are in need, with the understanding that "there but for the grace of God, go I." And sometimes that means NOT adopting... sometimes that means helping a pregnant woman down on her luck; sometimes it means fostering so that a biological family can get healthy enough for their child to be returned to them; sometimes it means being a guardian so that a child can have a safe home without losing a name, an original birth certificate, and roots.
Adoption is NOT inherently good. It's just not. And it's irresponsible, naive, and ego-centric to claim otherwise.
Rereading all of your comments again, I feel so inadequate in my response letter. It's so long and yet still only manages to address concerns from my limited perspective.
I wish each of you would write a letter!
Paragraphein - Thank you for commenting on this. I so wish you would address Ms. Lee from where you stand. I am breathless with looking at this from your shoes.
I also think that the editor is way to flippant about it. It's not all roses. Adoption is a very difficult thing to do, paperwork, interviews, delving into every area of your personal life, getting references, homestudies, etc... etc... And then what happens next? It's a happy ending right? Instant loving family :)
I was adopted as an infant and I am also an adoptive parent. We adopted 2 children through fostering (a very long and arderous process). We went adopted through fostering after discovering we simply could not afford private adoption.
My biggest issue with this article is that it makes it seem SO easy... you, too can adopt! Just find yourself a good agency and forgo that new car and you, too can be proud parents to an adorable child in need. WAIT A MINUTE.... lets talk about the stacks of paperwork, fingerprinting, criminal background checks, required parenting classes, refererences, and home visits.
Then, lets talk about money. The average adoption STARTS at about $30k. And there is very little in the way of financing options. Banks will loan people hundreds of thousands of dollars for education, but when it comes to adoption assistance, our only option was to refinance our home. We were told by the agency that they suggest going to your family and friends to ask for money. We were told to ask grandparents to contribute to an adoption fund instead of future college funds. (I could write and entire article on that comment alone.)
Bottom line is that adoption is a lengthy and expensive option. Of course I am an advid adoption advocate, that said, I am fiercly in support of adoption reforms. Adoption is regulated by the state and requirements (both before and following an adoption) vary widely by each state. Adoption fees have gotten way out of control and there is very little oversight on fraud.
Yes, adoption is a wonderful choice. My hope is that more people look into the challenges surrounding adoption so that it can become a more viable option to ALL.
Again, Kmommy and Meg, excellent points. Just from a simple procedural standpoint adoption is no where near the snap your fingers, bring home a child situation that she paints.
Meg - please write to her!! I am so frustrated by my own response's limitations. I am mired in my own perspective and objections.
In some senses I think adoption reforms are desperately needed. However, I really believe we need these processes to protect children, protect birth families and ensure transparency, not to mention making sure that adoptive parents are prepared. It's a hard balance to strike.
Double the number???????!!!!!!! Wow! That's a harsh wish! Let's go ahead and double the amount of women who find themselves in crisis pregnancy situations and then make the world a better place by telling them we'd like to parent their children for them. Feel the love!
Adoption is full of emotions that I had never experienced before. Though we are hoping to adopt again, I daily struggle with what that means to the woman who may choose us. By hoping to adopt, am I then hoping somebody won't be able to raise their biological child? I do hope I would never make a statement as clumsy as "let's have 300,000 domestic infant adoptions next year."
And the tiny little bit she put down at the end about if you are struggling with fertility, then go adopt...WHAT? The heartbreak and pain, the emptiness and depression, the ups and downs that are associated with infertility and here is the solution, just adopt! How insensitive!
There are so many levels of ignorance associated with this letter. For anybody who advertises adoption as "the easy way", "the unselfish thing to do", or, "the solution to your infertility", is missing the point. Adoption is difficult. Infertility is painful. Both leave lifelong scars on people. I didn't see that addressed in the letter.
What bothers me about the editorial (having not been exposed to adoption on any level) is the way it's written like a sales catalogue.
It's the kind of glib and commercial commentary/copy that when you read in brochures or see on magazine TV programmes, you know has been "sponsored by the kind folks at Ezy Autos".
Just referring to the - big - decision to have kids (adopted or not), it's disturbing.
"So, with superior looks and on-road handling, the XYZ motor is exactly what you're looking for in an SUV at half the price..." makes sense for car sales, but that kind of talk trivialises and minimises the big issues associated with decisions about family.
I'm new here, clicking through sidebar links, and I know I've missed the party on this one. But can I just leave my two cents at the door then?
What disturbs me about this letter is thinking about it from the point of view of children. Having had experience with foster care and with overseas orphanages, I have seen a LOT of really tragic things happen because people who were not healthy/informed/supported/ready enough were allowed to bring a child into a situation that was not ok. I have seen unspeakable things done to children in foster care. I have seen kids taken away to join families which will are so unprepared for their wounds, I wonder how they could ever heal. I'd like miss Lee to look one of those kids (or any vulnerable child who has no say in their own fate) right in the eye and answer the question, "who will take care of me" by saying, "Oh hey, just anyone. Just anyone who likes social justice. Just any old adult who thinks you might be more interesting than a car. You might get to be someone's good deed of the day!" I'd like her to try telling the KIDS that the ability to love is the only qualification their new parents need to have.
Because a child is a person, not a pet project. If that person has serious, profound needs (or even small, scattered ones) they deserve a place that can provide for those needs.
It is dangerous to place a blanket call for gathering up all children, because some children cannot be made a part of a family, or at least not part of any family.
But it's also dangerous to make a blanket call for everyone to do the gathering. Saying that anyone can and should adopt is terrifying to me. Some people flat out should not be parents. Some people should just not adopt. At best, certain ones should not adopt certain children. (they are all different, after all. They don't all fit into any family, like a bunch of type O blood that will blend in anywhere). People who fall into one of those categories and realize it should be lauded, not guilted, for having the self-awareness and selflessness to do what is better for children. People who fall into one of those categories and don't realize it....and then read an article like that??? I really hope Ms Lee has not set any families up for tragedy with her letter-that-totally-ignores-reality. But in my heart, having seen what I've seen and known what I know...it's hard to believe she hasn't. And gosh. That goes against my love of social justice. I'm interested in her personal guarantee, though. I know some people who would probably like to cash in on that.
Sorry. I guess I left more like $10 at the door. Thanks for the discussion, anyways. What a great blog.
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