HSSH Posts and Then We Are Stoned

[Disclaimer: The opinions posted herein do not at all reflect the views of the usual author of this blog.*^] (Stoned as in hit with rocks, not stoned as in lit.)

My wife asked me what I would blog about if I had a blog. Here's my answer.

Real men don't blog. Only girly men blog.

Unless they are writing about sports and they actually know what they are talking about. And not girly sports. Not soccer. That's not a real sport. Who is that overhyped Beckham ass? Some Brit here to play soccer who's famous for dressing like a rich girl. Real American sports. Football or baseball. College basketball. Not NBA basketball because the NBA has been screwed up since they went to a twenty-four second shot clock.

Or, maybe politics. As long as they are Republican and they are funny and they know about real sports. But, bloggers are probably all liberals. Probably writing crap about global warming and national health care and blah, blah, blah, waaaah, waaaaah. Girly liberal men writing about how they want to take my money and give it to someone who has no health insurance. Boo hoo.

Know why I don't blog? Because I WORK. At a job where I have no access to the internet (gasp! the horror). I don't have time to sit around all day crying about my life on a blog or sharing all the adorable things my kids do so that some other mom will write me back and say how cute they are. I'd like to know how to make money writing a blog because right now, considering the time my wife spends writing posts, she is working well below liberal democrat minimum wage standards. She has a law degree. If she put this much time into writing legal shit, I could work part time and I STILL wouldn't write a blog.

Want to do something good for the world? Don't tell me how to 'redistribute' my money. Adopt a child. I did. See how generous I am? Or, better yet, quit your crying and get a real job. Ohhhh, I know, you're a writer, writing deep and emotional thoughts. Move to Sweden. You can wear all black and grow a goatee and sit around in a government-sponsored cafe all day drinking European coffee and getting paid to do nothing but look all trendy and Euro and writer-like. That's how they get tourism in Sweden. They pay artsy girly men to sit around in cafes and pretend to write. Oh yeah, that's what you do already. Move to Sweden anyway.

One other possible exception to the real men don't blog rule. If you are single and you blog to look sensitive and emotionally damaged so that you can meet desperate overly-needy blogging girls. If so, genius brother, pure genius. If you're doing this and you're married, move to Sweden you perv.

To anyone stalking my house: I have a gun.

To my emotional, overly-needy mommyblogger wife: Stop posting pictures of our house. I don't want any namby-pamby, sensitive, liberal, blogging Swedish perves showing up here.


*For the one monumentally offended person who is still reading, put down the stone. That's right, put it down, you will only break your computer screen. This post was written by me (anymommy) as a part of Write Like the Opposite Sex Friday at Citizen of the Month. (Caution you will be leaving the family section of the blogosphere.) It is based on many actual conversations with my husband. Hate him, not me.

^My husband is not really this much of an ass. I find many things to love about him. He might be this conservative. Okay, he probably is this conservative, but mostly when it comes to money, not on social issues. He believes in universal health care for children. He also wants you to know that while he supports anything that makes us less dependent on foreign oil, he considers global warming a myth perpetrated by Al Gore to gain power and take over the world. (I said not this much, I didn't say he wasn't an ass at all.)